You Keep Me Holding On
by CheeryBroody83
Summary: When tragedy hits, it's no wonder that she's the one standing beside him, ready and willing to fulfill a promise neither ever forgot. The surprise instead comes in the realization that the love they shared was one that had not altered despite the heartach
1. Keep Holding On

**Author's Note: **_So I definitely should not have begun posting a new story since I have two others that need updates. It's just that in reading all the spoilers, I began to realize how much I truly disliked the route Mark decided to go with concerning all the characters. Not much seems different. The same old story lines and the same kind of triangles. I wanted something different... something that would shake up our characters from the get go and give them a chance to show who they really are deep down inside. So I began something that would contradict everything that was supposed to have occurred in the show between graduation and four years later. These are my lost years. The time between then and now. I'll probably only update once a week but I hope you enjoy. _**  
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**Disclaimer: **_I own nothing except my hope for a BL reunion. "Keep Holding On" is a song by Avril Lavigne on her 'The Best Damn Thing' album._

**Background: **_This story takes place after Karen gave birth to Lily. Two important changes, though. 1.) Brooke was never going to spend the summer in California with Peyton. 2.) Brooke never made any comments about how lonely it was to be Lucas Scott's girlfriend. _

**Summary:** _"I was wrong about you," Lucas once said. "It's okay... most people are," Brooke responded. Since that day, Lucas learned not to underestimate the tempestuous brunette who continues to show the world, him included, that there is more to her than meets the eye. So when tragedy hits, it's no wonder that she's the one standing beside him, ready and willing to fulfill a promise neither ever forgot. The surprise instead comes in the realization that the love they shared was one that had not altered despite the heartache, hurt and sadness that came with a breakup neither truly wanted. _

* * *

**Chapter One - Keep Holding On**

_You're not alone _

_Together we stand_

_I'll be by your side_

_You know I'll take your hand_

Not even six months had passed and again, Lucas Scott found himself standing in front of a fresh grave. There was a new person beside him and a new name on the headstone, but the sadness inside his heart was the same. And this time, he wasn't sure if he'd get through it in one piece.

"We should get Lily inside now, Luke. It'll be pouring in a few minutes," Peyton Sawyer advised as she slipped her hand in his. Yet her touch, the feel of her skin against his, offered him no comfort. Lucas barely resisted the urge to shrug her away and instead ignored the sound of her voice in his ear. "Luke…. Lucas?!"

"Then go. Take her to the car. Go back to the house… whatever," he said in a voice that had been roughened by tears and disuse. Peyton had no idea how to respond and appeared visibly surprised by the coldness of his words.

"We'll take her," a quiet voice offered.

While his eyes were closed, his best friend reached for Lily's carrier. Lucas didn't see the concerned expression on her face or the look she shared with her husband. Didn't watch them walk away carrying their son and his new sister.

One by one they all left the cemetery until only three remained.

Brooke Davis resisted the urge to step forward and wrap her arms around the grieving boy who had been through too much heartache in such a short time. She had a thousand words on her tongue but her mind screamed that it was no longer her place to say them. He wouldn't need her now like he did after Keith was killed. Now he had Peyton. A girl who was no stranger to death.

"I'm gonna head back to the house too," she said while Peyton briefly glanced in her direction.

Despite her best efforts, it was difficult for Brooke to keep the tears at bay. All morning long, her mind kept flashing back on all her memories of Karen. Like the first time they met at the hospital after Lucas was in a car accident. Remembering the way she babbled on nervously about all the wrong things while Karen looked at her, overwhelmed, nearly brought a smile to Brooke's face.

Then soon after Lucas was released, so much had quickly changed. Everything fell apart, she and Lucas were non-existent and on the worst possible terms. There should have been no reason to know Karen afterwards... but that too changed. Because even with their jaded history between them, Brooke and Lucas finally found their way to friendship and Karen came through where her own mother failed.

Her son asked her to, so Karen gave Brooke a place to stay and then proceeded to ground her for coming home drunk. She cared enough to do it, Lucas had once said.

But most of all Brooke couldn't forget the smile on Karen's face when she first announced her engagement to Keith.

Though while she re-lived all those wonderful memories, the obvious sadness began to mingle with fear.

Brooke was more worried than she could admit that Lucas would keep falling without Karen around to help pull him up. She had been the biggest reason he got through Keith's death. His mother needed him to be strong, so he was. Lucas tried to do and say all the right things and when she needed space, he gave it to her. Now, Brooke wasn't sure what he'd do or how he'd manage to recover from his second broken heart.

"Luke," she said quietly and touched the sleeve of his jacket. His eyes didn't open but she knew he was listening when he tilted his head just a little to hear what she had to say. "Whatever you need, okay?" Brooke said and slowly reached up to wrap her arms around him. "Have faith that it's gonna get better," she whispered in his ear, quietly enough that Peyton didn't hear the words.

Even if she had, her friend wouldn't have understood them.

It wasn't the first time Brooke had asked Lucas to have faith. She'd done it once before only then it had been a request to have faith in his mother. That she would get better despite her grief and anger. That she would heal, no matter how slowly it happened.

When she felt his shoulders sag a little in response, Brooke knew he remembered that night they spent in front of the fire.

"I'll see you back at the house," she added when she slowly released Lucas from her embrace and noticed Peyton staring at her strangely.

Alone, the couple continued to stand in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. "You should go too," Lucas eventually said.

"No, I'm fine. I'd like to stay here with you," Peyton stated while her hand once again found its way to his. Though unlike before, Lucas pulled away and put some distance between them.

"Look, I know you're trying to help but it's not working. Truthfully, its only making me feel worse," he declared roughly. The wounded expression his words placed on Peyton's face only angered him further. "Don't you get it? This isn't about you, Peyton. It's not about how you got through it… this is nothing like what you went through. And I don't need you telling me every few minutes that it's okay or that you understand what I'm feeling. Because you don't understand and it's not okay." Lucas yelled his last words and they echoed all around them. "I don't need this, I just… I don't need you… not here and not now."

Peyton kept telling herself that it was the grief talking. That he wasn't really angry at her. That she shouldn't feel hurt because he didn't mean any of it. But all the silent coaching in the world couldn't make her feel better when his eyes were steely and cold.

"I just want to help."

He nodded and turned to look down at the fresh mound of dirt. "Then go away."

----------

Three hours later and Lucas still hadn't come home. Guests had come and gone, paying their respects to his friends in his absence. The rain had fallen, thunder filled the space and lightening lit the darkening sky. Haley had long since stopped pretending that she wasn't worried. Peyton and even Nathan had also dropped all pretenses that everything was okay.

But while the others sat in the living room with their concerns, Brooke stayed tucked away with Lily.

She didn't have much experience with babies aside from a few afternoons she spent helping Peyton baby-sit Jenny, but Lily was so tiny and smelled so sweet that Brooke could hardly put her down. Instead she held the little girl close and rocked back and forth in an old glider Karen had once used with Lucas.

There, hidden in the new nursery, she was able to block out the sadness. To ignore the fact that in two years, she had been closer to Karen than she was to her own mother. To forget, if only for a moment, that the precious little girl in her arms would now have to grow up without a father and a mother. A cruel twist of fate that had taken away the two most important people to Lucas and Lily Scott.

Though outside the nursery, it wasn't so easy to forget. Three friends openly worried and debated what should be done about Lucas' absence.

"I'm worried about him too, but I think we just need to give him some space," Nathan opined even though it was obvious that he was the only one who believed it.

"You didn't see him out at the cemetery, Nate. The guy out there wasn't Lucas Scott. He was cruel and mean," Peyton explained, shuddering as she remembered all the things he said while they were alone. The way he yelled, the anger in his voice and the heartlessness in his eyes. It was as if the boy she loved no longer existed and that scared Peyton more than she dared to admit.

"I think we need to split up and go look for him," Haley stated while nursing her days old son.

Shaking his head, Nathan had to say, "You just got out of the hospital yesterday, Hales. We have James and Lily here, plus I can pretty much guarantee that right now, Lucas doesn't want to be found." But the girls still disagreed. Haley, because she remembered how Lucas pushed Brooke away after Keith's death. Remembered how he blamed himself. And Peyton because she kept hearing his angry words earlier that day. "Even if we _could_ all split up to look… where would we go? I doubt he's still at the cemetery and aside from the Rivercourt or the café, I can't think of another place he'd go to be alone."

The unfortunate truth was that no one really knew what Lucas did when life got too hard. They all leaned so heavily on him, or got so preoccupied with their own lives, that they forgot to remember he had issues of his own to deal with.

Nathan wasn't sure when or how it happened but somewhere along the line, Lucas became the go to guy. The one who carried everyone's secrets. The one who gave advice and listened any time someone needed to talk.

Since the truth about Dan came out, it was obvious that Lucas' friends and family had done a poor job returning the favor. For them, there were other things to worry about and deal with while Lucas didn't have that luxury. His entire life had changed with his mother's death and for him, there was nothing else to focus on.

"Maybe he went to a bar," Haley suggested with obvious hesitance in her voice. "Does anyone know if he still has that fake ID Brooke made for him last year?" she asked, deciding it wasn't much of a stretch considering he'd done it before. Only then he had been frustrated, rather than angry, and unfortunately, that night also brought Nikki into their lives. "Peyton?"

"I don't know," she admitted, all the while trying not to think the worst.

"You know, I could just be stating the obvious here… but why don't we ask Brooke?" Nathan suggested. "I mean… she _was_ the one closest to him when Keith died. They were together almost constantly," he pointed out. "Maybe there's a place he went to then. Or something he told her that might help us figure out where he is now."

Nodding, Haley agreed. "That's a good idea."

Peyton was ashamed to admit it, but she didn't want to ask Brooke. Mostly because she didn't want to acknowledge that her best friend might know her boyfriend better than she did.

The truth was that Peyton prided herself on being closer to Lucas than anyone. She felt like they had a connection he had never had with anyone else before. Like they were kindred spirits. However, the reality wasn't nearly as sweet for Peyton because there _were_ things that Brooke knew… places, conversations and stories… things that Peyton would never be able to touch.

The connection Brooke had with Lucas was one Peyton couldn't possibly understand no matter how hard she tried.

"Maybe," she reluctantly added. Immediately after came guilt.

It wasn't about the Bermuda triangle from hell. It was about finding and helping Lucas through a difficult time.

"I'll go get her," the blonde volunteered and excused herself from the room.

"_All by myself, don't wanna be. All by myself anymore. All by myself, don't wanna live. All by myself anymore_," Brooke quietly sang. Her voice was little more than a whisper, nearly lost in the room as she rocked back and forth with the Lily gently cradled against her. "_Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure. And love's so distant and obscure. Remains the cure_."

As she stood unnoticed in the doorway for a few moments, Peyton listened to the words and wondered why Brooke chose such a sad song to sing as a lullaby.

"_When I was young, I never needed anyone_," she continued to sing. "_And making love was just for fun. Those days are gone_."

When her voice faded into the night, Peyton made her presence known. "She still sleeping?"

"No," Brooke quietly answered. She was calm, serene even. Almost as if she knew Peyton had been standing there the whole time. "She won't sleep. But she doesn't cry either," Brooke admitted. "It's like she knows something's wrong but can't figure out what it is."

Nodding, Peyton wrapped her arms around herself and tried not to feel nostalgic. A year before that had been her sitting with a baby in her lap. She missed Jenny and Jake like crazy, more so ever since Lily had been born. It also didn't help that it had been months since they last talked. Ever since she drove out of their lives and back to Tree Hill with the realization that she was in love with Lucas.

Peyton would never take back what happened, but she wished it had happened differently. She hated that in order to be happy, both Jake and Brooke both had to lose out.

"Luke still isn't back yet and we're trying to figure out where he might have gone," she explained before casually asking, "Any ideas?"

"Sure… but you know as well as well as I do that he doesn't want to be found, Peyton," the brunette stated, further agitating her friend. Mostly because Brooke and Nathan seemed to be on the same page while Peyton wanted to believe they were both wrong. That in actuality, _she _was the one who knew what Lucas needed.

"You don't know that Brooke. You weren't there… you didn't seem him the way I did," she whispered harshly so as to not disturb the quiet child. "He's sad and more angry than I've ever seen him. At this point it's anyone's guess what he might do which is why we need to find him. Now," Peyton declared, seemingly forgetting that when he lost his uncle, he retreated into himself then too. She had even told him that she understood it because she was the same way though now she just couldn't believe that the same rules applied.

What she also didn't seem to understand was that Brooke _had _seen him. Maybe not that day but she'd seen his grief before. Knew what it looked and sounded like.

"Maybe if the situation was reversed, you'd want him to find you, but Lucas isn't _you_," Brooke gently corrected. She was patient and even sympathetic, the exact opposite of her friend. "Trust me… he doesn't want anyone to hug him or tell him that it's all going to be okay because right now there are no words that could possibly make this okay for him," she said, remembering plenty of times when she tried and failed. Not so long ago she had learned the hard way and now only wished to save Lucas the frustration and Peyton the hurt. "He just needs time to accept it on his own. That's all. He just needs time."

Peyton couldn't admit that Lucas had basically said the same thing.

"It's hard and it hurts. The idea of just standing there and doing nothing while he tries to pick up the broken pieces of his heart seems almost impossible. But you have no choice," Brooke continued in a faraway voice. She was re-living it all in her mind. The arguments and the frustration… but most of all she remembered the broken boy who cried in her arms when it all finally sunk in.

Lucas had slept with his arms wrapped so tightly around her because he was scared she'd be gone when he woke up.

"Maybe you were able to do it but I can't. I won't," Peyton lashed out. It hurt to realize that with her experience and all the love she felt for Lucas, she couldn't see passed her own desire to comfort him. More than that, it hurt to realize that Brooke _could_ see passed it. "One way or the other, we'll find him tonight. So are you going to help or…" she trailed off and didn't seem to realize that it was no easier for Brooke than it was for her.

Gently setting Lily inside her crib, Brooke stared down at the sweet child while she spoke. Her voice was soft… quiet and a little tired. "Alright… I'll help you look."

----------

With his mind jumbled with thoughts and his body wracked with conflicting emotions, he sat motionless... unseeing, as one person after another walked in front of him.

Lucas hadn't uttered a single word since leaving the cemetery. There was nothing to say, no one to talk to. There was only a loneliness so profound that he almost felt suffocated by it. By the realization that his parents were all gone and that he'd never again see their faces... hear their voices. Loud arguments or soft smiles, it didn't matter to him. He would give everything he owned just to have another minute. Another glimpse of their faces, another chance to hear the sound of their voices saying his name.

But wishes rarely came true as far as he was concerned and Lucas knew better than to hope for anything more.

That was when he saw her. Not his mother, not a ghost or apparition, but another dark haired woman who had come to mean a great deal to him over the course of two years.

"I didn't think anyone would find me here," Lucas said as Brooke approached. The light behind her was a soft halo, framing her beautiful features with each click of her heels on the sterile white tile. Lucas couldn't help but think she was a contradiction as she stepped closer. A somber expression and conservative black clothes on a fallen angel whose hidden smile could charm the last morsel of food from a starving man. "But somehow, I'm not surprised that _you_ did."

"Well in between the heated arguments and even hotter sex, I listened every now and then," Brooke teased lightly and sat down on the orange plastic chair next to his.

"Good to know," he smiled briefly before it was quickly replaced with a solemn look. Almost as if he suddenly decided that he no longer had the right to smile. "I yelled at Peyton. She was pretty hurt," Lucas quietly admitted before shaking his head.

Brooke was surprised by his candidness considering that they hadn't really talked about his relationship with the other girl. She sensed his desire to talk, to get everything off his chest so she listened despite the awkwardness that still lingered around the topic of Lucas dating Peyton.

"I don't even know why I did it," he shrugged. "Frustration, maybe. Or something close to it, I guess."

Taking his hand in hers, she looked away from their intertwined fingers when she said, "If anyone would understand, it'd be Peyton. She wasn't exactly a peach to be around when she lost her moms… I know she won't hold whatever you said against you," Brooke opined with audible confidence in her voice.

"See, that's the thing," he said, laughing humorlessly. "It doesn't help to know that she's been there before. Or that she understands how much it hurts," Lucas attempted to explain. "Because she thinks that it's the same. That what I'm feeling right now is exactly what she went through with Ellie. And maybe I'm a heartless bastard for saying it… but I can't help but feel that what I'm going through now is so much worse," he admitted, unashamed.

"No," Brooke disagreed, shaking her head. "It doesn't make you heartless, Luke… it makes you human."

Curiously, he met her gaze. A silent question from blue eyes to hazel.

"Peyton didn't have two parents taken away so close together. She had time to grieve each mother and I know you can't compare the instances. Your relationship with Karen was unique because it was your own. Just like your grief is your own," Brooke explained. "I see what you're saying, Luke and without taking anything away from the pain she felt after Anna and Ellie passed away, there _is_ a difference. So you don't have to feel guilty for noticing it."

"What if I told you that I didn't feel guilty?" he asked. "And that not feeling it… is the only thing that I actually feel bad about."

Shrugging, she offered him an uncertain look. "I don't know what I'd say," Brooke answered.

"Well what would you say if I asked how you found me?"

This time Brooke actually smiled. Not her usual bright smile that showed off a pair of dimples but a sweet one. Almost nostalgic. "I'd say that you're feeling lost and when that happens, you search for yourself at the place where everything changed." Brooke lifted her shoulder, a half shrug while she added, "You went to the bar where we had our first date after everything fell apart with you, me and Peyton. The Rivercourt every time you were confused because it was where you came from… what made the most sense and where everything changed after you made that shot over Nathan."

_It's not just a court. It's my world. It's where I come from._

"And then the library after the shooting," Brooke quietly added. "Because you wondered how things would've turned out if you hadn't been inside. If it would have changed anything or if it would've ended the same way."

Not for the first time, Lucas was humbled by how she understood what was going on inside him without him ever uttering a word. How she managed to figure out something that he, himself had never put a label on. Then almost instantly after silently asking the question, he realized he shouldn't feel so surprised. Brooke tended to see things that most people over looked. She found telling details where most people just saw an excess of information.

"And..." Looking away, she glanced at the clear glass windows to the pink and blue basinets that lay beyond them. A scrub-clad nurse was wandering between the isles with a clipboard in her hand, looking down at each sleeping child before moving on to the next one. "And," Brooke began again. "This is where it changed again… the last place you saw your mom alive in," she murmured and felt his hand tighten against hers.

"I'm so angry at her," Lucas admitted as silent tears began to fall from his eyes. "For not believing me when I told her about Dan… for not trusting me… for leaving." His blue gaze was now filled with a jumble of emotions. The most prominent one was the anger he spoke of. "How am I supposed to take care of a baby when I feel like I can hardly take care of myself?" he questioned. "How am I supposed to love her when it killed my mom to have her?"

There was so much anguish in his words. A sadness and shame that Brooke had never heard before. Listening to him fall apart again nearly broke the already fragile pieces of her heart.

"Because you changed Karen's life and she loved you more for it," Brooke whispered and wrapped her arms around his trembling form. His hot tears pressed against her skin as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. "It isn't Lily's fault. Even if I don't understand why it happened, I at least know that much. If you're honest with yourself, deep down… you know it too," she said while her own tears began to cloud her vision. "You're going to love her, Luke. I know you will," she assured and ran her fingers through his hair, soothing. Over and over she whispered soft words in his ear, hoping to calm his defeated sobs. "We're going to get through this. I promise you. Just have a little faith."

"What if I don't have any left?" he whispered against her. A question so broken that she couldn't stop the free falling tears from spilling onto his shoulder.

"Then I'll give you all of mine."

----------

Everyone else had already returned to Karen's house by the time Brooke and Lucas showed up. His hand was in hers, Peyton noticed, but as soon as they saw their friends sitting together in the living room, Brooke released him and stepped away. "Luke, thank god," Haley said and stood to wrap her arms around him. "We checked everywhere. Where were you?"

"I just needed some time to think," Lucas replied, avoiding the question.

"Lily finally fell asleep. She's in her room now," Haley informed, knowing better than to push. "I was thinking we might stick around for a little while longer. Maybe heat up some leftover food or… we could watch some TV or talk," she suggested tentatively. As though she expected him to decline or walk away. Or worse if Peyton's earlier story was anything to go by.

"Tomorrow," he assured before saying, "I just need to be on my own tonight."

"Alright," Haley nodded and pulled him into another hug. "Call if you need anything at all. Okay?"

"It's not like we'll get much sleep for the next eighteen years anyway," Nathan added, an attempt to lighten the mood though it had the opposite effect. Instead of laughing, Lucas could only nod as he realized that no sleep for eighteen years now applied to him too. "We'll see you tomorrow, Luke," he said and hugged him briefly.

"Thanks, little brother."

"No problem."

Skillz, Mouth and the other guys from the Rivercourt had all gone by then. After Brooke called, informing the group that she found Lucas, the guys decided to go home since only family members remained. "Give me a call if you need anything for Lily. Diapers, formula… whatever you can think of," Brooke offered, smiling gently when Lucas turned his blue eyes on her.

"Thanks, Brooke. For everything," he said gently. No one looking could have missed the way his eyes momentarily softened as they landed on her. Or the brief look she gave him, acknowledging something unknown to everyone else. In a split second, Peyton felt an irrational, sharp pang of jealousy as Lucas enveloped the brunette in his arms. Initiating a hug with her, while being on the receiving end with everyone else. "Night, pretty girl."

Her eyes involuntarily closed as she heard the endearment for the first time in months.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Brooke," added Peyton once the pair drew apart.

Opening and closing her mouth, Brooke mentally slapped herself for not realizing sooner that Peyton would want to stay with Lucas at the house. Though before she could say anything in response, Lucas intervened. "Honestly, Peyton I don't want any company tonight. I'd rather just be here alone with Lily," he said and because of his words it was Peyton's turn to open and close her mouth like a fish out of water.

She had to say something but felt paralyzed by eyes glancing between her and Lucas. So she stayed behind while one by one, their friends all left until only Peyton remained.

"Lucas..." she trailed off uncertainly.

"I _am_ sorry for yelling at you today," Lucas apologized but when Peyton took a step closer, he took an immediate step back. "Peyton, I appreciate what you're trying to do. I know you want to help but it's like I said this afternoon… the best thing you can do for me right now is to just leave me alone," he explained quietly and felt a twinge of guilt when he saw the hurt reflected on her features.

"So you want me to go away but… but you could talk to Brooke. Is that it?"

"I can't deal with this right now," he muttered under his breath. Words that angered rather than deterred the determined blonde.

"Are you _that_ afraid of getting close to any one person?" Peyton questioned, baffled by the boy standing in front of her. A boy she used to think she knew as well as she knew herself.

"I'm not even close to understanding what you're trying to say," Lucas tiredly replied.

"I'm talking about the way you distance yourself from the girls in your life," Peyton declared. "Wanting me but dating Brooke, for starters. Liking her but sneaking around behind her back. Then dating Anna while pining for someone else... a girl you couldn't have... confiding in her... leaning on her until she became your girlfriend. Then what? Then she stopped being the girl you could turn to and you turned back to me until Brooke was so insecure and hurt by the both of us that she walked away."

Peyton hadn't meant to say it all but once the first words fell from her mouth, she couldn't stop the others from falling.

"After the shooting you penalized her for not being inside the school. For not knowing what you went through and now you're penalizing me because I _do_ know what it's like for you. Now you have me all twisted up inside wondering if it'll continue being a repeat performance of what happened between you and Brooke," she admitted, losing a piece of her pride in the process. "Will you sleep with me but talk to her? Is she going to be the one carrying your secrets while I stand by and watch our relationship fall apart?"

Shaking his head, an expression of disbelief began to form on his features. "I guess you forgot that when I first started dating Brooke, it was after _you_ pushed me away. Or that when you and I started sneaking around, you're the one who started it. The one who came to me, wanting to be together even though you knew that I was already with your best friend," Lucas reminded, laughing humorlessly. "What about the fact that _you_ were the one who leaned on me, not the other way around. _You_ kissed _me_ that day in the library, remember?" he asked needlessly since it was impossible for either to ever forget that fateful day. "I told you that I loved Brooke. That I was _in_ love with her. I didn't sneak around, I wasn't unfaithful... I just wasn't good enough. So don't tell me that I pushed her away because she got too close. Or that anything is the same now as it was then."

Frustrated, Peyton lashed back. "So then why are you even with me? Huh? Why did you say that it was me? That _I_ was the one you wanted standing beside you when all your dreams came true?" she questioned. "If your relationship with her was so much better than anyone else could see, why did you walk away from her on the night of the banquette? Why did you come to _my_ room?" With each question, her voice rose until she was almost yelling. Lily, the sleeping child in the next room, was promptly forgotten as the two teens engaged in a shouting match born of all their frustrations.

Then just as quickly, all the fight left Lucas and his shoulders slumped tiredly. "I don't know," he quietly admitted and stood still as tears formed in the corners of her eyes. "My life has just turned upside down. It isn't about Brooke or what we had together, and it's not about you either. It's about me. For once it has to be about me," Lucas continued watching, unmoved as her tears continued to fall. "I can't worry about hurt feelings and insecurity because there's a little girl in the next room that needs me to be_ her_ hero. I can't be yours anymore."

"Screw you," Peyton muttered. "I never asked you to save me. You did that all on your own."

"You asked. Every time you picked up the phone and dialed my number... cried... leaned on me instead of Brooke or Haley... even if you never said the words out loud, you always asked."

Crying, Peyton said, "This isn't you, Lucas." Arms wrapped tightly around herself, she squeezed her eyes shut, blocking out the sight of his disinterested expression. "You're angry and you're sad and... and what's happening here is a nightmare for you. I get that. I understand, I..."

"I can't do this," Lucas said. His words cut through her rationalizations like a knife, halting Peyton's voice as she opened her eyes and looked up at him. He saw fear in her green depths and felt a genuine pang of regret for what he was doing to her. It hadn't been his intention to hurt her, not that it'd make much difference to Peyton when all was said and done. "You're going to Los Angeles next week and I'm going to be here. Our lives are moving in two different directions so maybe we should just follow it... separately."

"Lucas..."

"I want to break up."


	2. On You I Depend

**Author's Note:** _I want to thank everyone for all your great responses and interest in this story. Sorry I haven't updated sooner. Between studying for finals, taking them and doing a whole bunch of holiday stuff, I wasn't around my computer as much as I'd have liked to be. After the holidays are over, I swear I'll need a vacation. Families can be very tiring. But anyway, I'm starting to veer off topic. Some of you might be a little confused as to how things ended up in this chapter after reading the first one. All I can say is that I have a plan and in writing Lucas, I couldn't help but remember how horribly Karen took Keith's death in the beginning. I felt like Lucas was a lot more like her than he may have guessed and thus… my reasoning. However, if you still don't like it, there's more to come in the next chapters. I hope you enjoy and forgive me for making you wait so long for a second chapter._

_**Cry: James Blunt**  
_

* * *

**Chapter Two – On You I Depend **

_I have seen birth. I have seen death._

_Lived to see a lover's final breath._

_Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?_

_Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?_

_And if you want to talk about it once again_

_On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder._

_You're a friend. _

Brooke Davis didn't have much of a childhood. Between her parents' incessant fighting over the years and their unwillingness to actually take care of her, Brooke grew up much faster than many of her other friends. It meant partying like a senior when she was a freshman. Drinking with the boys every weekend and going to bed with the ones who paid attention for more than a passing minute.

If asked though, unlike most people she knew, Brooke wouldn't say that she grew up in the years between adolescence and high school.

No, Brooke grew up every time she was hurt. Each time that she couldn't mask her sadness with a bottle of liquor or a warm body. Rare instances when her world was up ended by someone who didn't realize she actually had feelings beneath a flirtatious exterior. That there was more to the cheer captain than her carefully constructed reputation.

So with time, she learned to brace herself for the inevitable pain. Was seldom surprised by life's unamusing jokes.

Brooke hoped for the best but always expected the worst.

Some may say she was cursed by self-fulfilling prophecies. That she hurt herself with distance because it was the only way she knew to protect herself from any heartache. From the sting of betrayal that never completely ebbed with time.

"Thanks for dropping me off," Peyton Sawyer quietly said as she glanced around the airport.

Brooke got the impression that she was searching for someone. Hoping that their mutual ex-boyfriend would make an appearance before she had to walk through the gate. A last minute attempt to right what Peyton believed was wrong.

"Just give him time," Brooke gently advised, not for the first time and bit her lip uncertainly as her friend's eyes narrowed with unmasked speculation. "I'm sure the two of you will eventually figure things out," she added, marveling for just a moment that she was actually giving Peyton advice about her relationship with Lucas. Was it really just a month before when she and the curly haired blonde wrestled around on the Sawyer's front yard?

"This is so stupid," Peyton declared, shaking her head so that a single blonde curl escaped from her messily constructed ponytail. "I can intern next summer or… or next semester. Los Angeles will be there in a month but…" she trailed off before looking down at Brooke with vulnerability shining in her watery eyes. "But Lucas might not be," she whispered.

It was the same argument Peyton had been trying to make all week long. An attempt to talk herself into something she most likely already knew was a bad idea. Brooke had heard it enough times to know what came next and quickly intervened before Peyton waited long enough to miss her flight.

"P Sawyer, are you really going to give up this amazing opportunity to do something you love, when the boy you want just isn't ready to be had?" Brooke questioned as she met Peyton's gaze head on. Whether her childhood friend hated her for it later, Brooke needed her to see that she needed to start listening to her head instead of her broken heart. "Because what happens if you stay in Tree Hill all summer and he still isn't ready? What if the thing he needs the most right now is space and in staying, you destroy any chance you ever have of working through your problems?"

Sighing, Brooke offered her friend a sad smile.

"If it's meant to be, then three months won't matter. Lucas'll still be here when you get back," she murmured. "But if you stay, you're never going to know if what you have is strong enough."

Neither girl realized how strange it was that history seemed to be repeating itself. A year ago it had been Brooke who left Lucas for a three month long summer in California. Now it was Peyton's turn and she seemed to be just as torn up about her decision as her best friend once was.

"I guess that's what I'm afraid of." A tear escaped the confines of Peyton's green eyes as she glanced down. In an uncharacteristic moment of innocent honesty, she replied, "Finding out that it's _not_ strong enough. Or that he didn't miss even half as much as I know I'm going to miss him."

_Didn't you miss me while you were away?_

_Every day. I was just angry and upset about Keith and I just needed to be alone but that doesn't mean I didn't miss you, Brooke. Because I did._

"Yeah…" she quietly sympathized. "I know."

----------

As she drove down the highway back to Tree Hill, Brooke told herself that she had just done the right thing. That lying to Peyton had really been the only answer. At least considering the alternative, a truth that would have kept the blonde in town, frustrated and angry with a boy who already had too much to deal with.

Lucas was struggling, drowning in a sea of all consuming emotions.

For whatever reason, he was unwilling to let anyone else in. Not his brother or best friend and not the girl he was determined to keep at arm's length. A girl who didn't seem to understand that Lucas only had room for his own problems. That he was overwhelmed by them and couldn't deal with hers or anyone else's.

"Karen… Keith… if you can hear me… please give me the strength to hold him up," she murmured to the silence of the car. A prayer to the two people who had known Lucas better than anyone else. "Please… please help me, help him."

It wasn't the first time she had made the same request and she suspected it wouldn't be the last either.

Never the less, talking to them in the solitude of her drive back gave Brooke the confidence she needed. A confidence that began to wane when she walked through the front door and was greeted with nothing but silence. "Luke?" she called out to no avail. "Lucas?"

With resolve in her steps, Brooke walked down the hall to his closed bedroom door. She could hear no sound from within and didn't bother knocking before slowly pushing the door open.

He didn't appear to have moved since she left earlier that morning. With his eyes open, he continued to stare up at the ceiling, lost in whatever music he heard through the headphones securely encased in his ears. Brooke noticed that the black wind pants and a gray t-shirt he wore were the same ones from the previous evening, further revealing his lack of movement.

"I guess today's another bad day," she muttered and purposefully pulled the headphones from his ears. "I dropped Peyton off at the airport. She said she'd call you sometime tomorrow," Brooke informed while fluttering around the room, searching for something Lucas could change into. "Haley and Nathan still have another hour baby-sitting Lily before I said I'd go pick her up. Then I'll probably get some take-out. Maybe a pizza from that new place that opened up a month ago. Mouth said it was pretty good so I figured we could try it out."

Silently, Lucas continued to lie against the rumpled comforter with one bandaged hand resting limply against his stomach. If he heard a word Brooke said, he gave no indication. Just more silence. Something she had reluctantly grown used throughout the week after his mother's funeral.

"Unless you want to start growing mildew, I suggest you go take a shower," Brooke stated and dropped a pile of clothes beside him.

"I don't care. Just leave me alone," he muttered without turning in her direction.

It wasn't much but it was enough to rile Brooke after a week of walking a fine line between pity and anger. A tired game of one step forward, two steps back.

"You know what… that's a great idea, Luke. I should just run along then and leave you alone," she retorted. Sarcasm dripped from her words as she leaned down to grasp his chin. Insisting that he look at her, she refused to let go until his blue eyes met hazel. "Then Lily can cry throughout the night. Not that you'd hear her anyway with these fucking headphones in your ears all the damn time," she spat icily. "Or maybe I should just fess up and tell Haley the truth. Then she and Nathan can watch over your sister instead and you won't have to worry about me coming in and out of your room with all my unreasonable requests that you actually put food in your stomach or that you step under the shower spray every once in a while."

Before he ever opened his mouth, she knew her anger hadn't reached him. Defiant and so unlike the Lucas Scott she had grown to love over the years, his response was low and unimpressed. "I never asked for your help," he said, proving her assumption correct.

"Fine." Releasing her grip, Brooke leaned back and quietly said, "Maybe you didn't ask for it, but that doesn't mean you don't need it or that you aren't going to get it." Shrugging half-heartedly, she added, "Because some of us keep our promises. So yell at me, hate me… whatever makes you feel better but don't, for one second, think I'm walking away until you're back on your feet again."

The ice in his blue gaze melted only a little as he continued to stare at her somber expression.

"I'll be back in an hour with your sister and some food," she said, sighing when he remained mute. "Just… please get cleaned up while I'm gone."

With nothing else to say, Brooke turned on her heel and walked out the side door where summer was upon them. Birds chirped, flowers blossomed and the sun shone but she felt no happiness. Had no smile for the day. All Brooke could muster was the faint hope that sooner or later she'd get through to Lucas. That she could rescue him from it all as she had once promised.

----------

_"Mr. Scott, my name is Carl Mason down at the county lockup," he greeted with detached cordiality. "Sir, as the inmate's next of kin, we are required to inform you that Dan Scott, has been placed on a 72 __hour __suicide watch following an unsuccessful attempt last night, here in his cell. We believe that…."_

_"Sorry it too so long, but I brought all the stuff you asked me to pick up," Brooke announced as she walked inside, eyes cast downward as she dug around inside her bag for his purchases. "I wasn't sure which was the right formula for newborns so I called Hales and she…" Brooke trailed off, eyes snapping up when she heard the phone crash against the hardwood floor. _

_Her soft hazel gaze only intensified as she stood stunned in place and watched the scene unfold. "Luke..." she murmured. _

_Grabbing the phone base and answering machine, Lucas hurled them against the wall with a force that knocked down the mirror hanging above the couch. Its frame knocked twice as it hit the floor while the looking glass shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. Flinching, Brooke choked back a surprised scream and dropped the grocery bag she had been carrying._

Shaking the memory from his mind, Lucas stripped out of his clothes and twisted the shower knob all the way to the right. He needed the biting sting of cold water to wake him up from the fog he'd been in all morning. He at least owed Brooke that after everything she had done. Especially when he gave her every reason to walk away and none to stick by him.

_Carefully kneeling down beside him, Brooke reached for his bleeding hand. The thick crimson liquid fell in fat drops onto the hardwood, marring its otherwise pristine surface. "A hundred years isn't enough and he couldn't last the night alone in his cell." The way Lucas muttered the words, he could have easily been talking to himself. Even his sister's cries, which had turned into a full-on wail, couldn't pull him from the thick fog of his anger._

_Watching him, Brooke struggled over which Scott to tend to first. _

_"He should have died instead. I should have killed him when I had the chance."_

Naked, with the water sluicing down his body, he leaned his palms against the tiled wall and stared at his bandaged hand.

_"I have no idea what I'm doing here, Luke," Brooke shook her head and glanced up at him worriedly. "You need to see a doctor," she declared and flinched when she saw him wince._

_"It's fine," he said and clenched his left fist tightly while she worked to pull little shards of glass from his right palm. _

_"No it's not," Brooke argued. "This needs stitches. Real stitches not these little butterflies," she muttered with her eyes downcast, concentrating on a stubborn piece embedded in his index finger. "Not to mention the scars you're probably gonna have because I've never done this before and I don't even know if I'm doing it right."_

_"Scars never bothered me before," Lucas mentioned as Brooke's finger grazed his thumb. _

_The story he once told her was reflected in her eyes. The memory of a night in front of the fire, sharing his fears about Karen and reminiscing about his best memories of Keith._

_Glancing back down at his hand, Brooke continued to work before murmuring, "The worst kind are the ones you don't see."_

Pushing back more memories, Lucas grasped the end of the bandage and began to unravel the thin white gauze. Beneath the protective barrier, he found the crooked butterfly stitches Brooke had applied after realizing no amount of cajoling would get him to the hospital.

The scars she talked about had already begun to form on his palm. Small creases that hadn't been there a week a before. One more reminder that Dan Scott was a murderer, not that Lucas could ever forget. He was reminded every time he closed his eyes and attempted to find more than a few minutes worth of sleep.

_Unpleasantly awoken from his fitful slumber, Lucas felt dizzy and sick to his stomach. "Not again," he groaned. _

_In his haste, he hadn't shut the door completely and Brooke walked right in a few seconds behind him when she heard Lucas emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. _

_He wanted to, but couldn't tell her about the nightmares he couldn't escape or how sick they had been making him. The reoccurring one he had every night since talking to Abby. _

_It was his mind's most vivid assumption of what happened that day in the school. _

_He pictured the expression on Dan's face as he lifted the gun. A maniacal look that he guessed was the exact opposite of the confusion Keith probably felt. He smelled the small puff of smoke as the shot was fired and the gun powder that most likely permeated the hall. _

_"Brooke," he groaned when he felt her kneel down behind him. _

It hurts_, Lucas longed to admit when he heard her say she was right there with him_. I'm scared

_The words stayed in his mouth while everything else came rushing out. _

_"I got you," Brooke told him when he had nothing left to give and slumped against her, exhausted and nauseous. She cradled his sweat slicked body against hers, running her fingers through his unruly blonde locks. _

_"Don't tell anyone," he quietly pleaded, asking her to hide all that she had seen and heard. _

Against her better judgment, her concerns and fear… she complied because at least he was willing to accept her help even if he wouldn't accept it from anyone else. Lucas suspected though that if Brooke had known it would only get worse, she never would have gone along with it.

----------

As promised, Brooke returned an hour later toting Lily's carrier in one hand and a pizza box in the other. Aside from kinking her brow curiously, she made no comment about his clean clothes and freshly washed hair. "Why don't you get a couple plates while I go put Lily in her crib?" she suggested when the silence between them became palpable.

"Sure," he said, murmuring in agreement.

"Thanks," Brooke quietly replied and left Lucas alone with the food while she carried Lily into the nursery. Bundled up despite the warm weather, only her little pink face was visible beneath the floral cap she wore. Tiny lashes rested against her plump cheek while she slumbered.

Brooke marveled at the way her chest rose and fell rapidly with each breath.

"He's going to get better, Lily Bear," she whispered to the sleeping child. "I promise."

Though she didn't understand it and her head knew logically that it was no longer her place to be there, Brooke couldn't help the overwhelming instinct she felt to take care of Lucas. What was even more confusing was that she didn't _want_ to help it. The night they talked in the hospital was just the beginning of his recovery. He hadn't felt ready to be on his own then and certainly not now after seeing him blind with anger when the jail called about Dan.

Since that day, she wondered how long Lucas would have sat on the floor with his hand bleeding before he finally came back to himself. Would he have picked up the phone and listened to everything the warden had to say, or would he have stayed lost inside the ever present anger his father caused.

Not to mention that nightmares she knew he had every night.

He yelled in his sleep and his voice carried to the living room couch she'd basically been living on since the day after the funeral. It was an animalistic sound some nights, tortured and afraid, then angered the rest of the time. He made himself sick with whatever phantoms haunted his sleep until he was roughly pulled from it with no choice but to empty his stomach.

At least Brooke guessed that was what happened. A self defense mechanism, though a poor one, that brought him back from the edge when he got too close.

So she did what she could and told herself not to feel guilty for holding his secrets. That it wasn't her place to tell Nathan and Haley. Especially since they were still trying to settle into parenthood.

Brooke rationalized that it was better if Peyton didn't know. She'd only worry herself to the point of distraction. Though really, her biggest reason for keeping the truth to herself was because she had promised Lucas she would.

He was ashamed of his grief... scared by his anger. Lucas wanted to hide it all away. To pretend to the world that it didn't exist.

The only problem was that he couldn't pretend with her.

Not for the first time, Brooke saw him fall apart. She watched him crumble a little each day, and could only help put the pieces back together as quickly as she could before they began to fall away again.

"I guess I should go to the store soon, huh?" Lucas asked when Brooked walked back into the kitchen and found him staring into an almost empty refrigerator. "Not much to drink or eat in here."

Nodding, Brooke struggled not to offer to go for him. She knew he needed to get out and a trip to store seemed like a good a time as any. "Deb called again this morning," she informed casually while reaching for a thick slice of cheesy, pepperoni pizza. "As much as she wants to keep helping out at the cafe, now that Nathan and Haley have Jamie to take care of, she also wants to free up some more time to spend with them before they go off to school," Brooke explained and wondered if Lucas had given any thought to college now that he had his sister and the cafe to take care of.

"Okay," he said simply and reached for his own slice of pizza.

Sighing, Brooke had little else to say as she watched Lucas eat for the first time in two days. As much as she wanted to talk to him, ask him about his plans, she was loathsome to interrupt their dinner now that he was finally eating. So instead she nodded and managed a small bite of her own while his eyes were cast down on the pale brown ceramic plate.

Minutes ticked by silently with only the faint sound of a light wind outside to keep them company. Brooke couldn't remember a time when she felt as self conscious as she did with Lucas then. Eating slowly, she tried to chew each bite without making a sound and couldn't help wondering if he was trying to do the same.

"Brooke?" he eventually asked but didn't look up. If anything he seemed timid, afraid for reasons unknown to the concerned brunette. Almost as if he had to work up the courage to ask,"You're staying again tonight, right?"

Said so quietly, she almost didn't hear the words. Then their meaning sunk in and tears began to prickle her eyes.

"Of course," she softly replied.

Though she couldn't be certain, Brooke swore she heard him say, "Good."


	3. I'll Be

**Author's Note:**_ To start off with, I want to thank everyone for your wonderful and extremely encouraging feedback. Brooke is really my favorite character to write because I feel that even with everything we know about her, there's so much more beneath the surface that Mark and the other writers never tapped into. It's what I'm trying to do now and I'm glad that you're enjoying it so far. Especially since Lucas is probably the most difficult for me to write. _

_Secondly, though Lucas still has a lot of issues to work through, after this chapter, the tone of the story is about to shift into something I hope is a little more interesting.   
_

_Thanks again everyone!_

_**I'll Be: Reba McEntire**  
_

* * *

**Chapter 3 – I'll Be  
**

_I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on_

_Be your shelter_

_When you need someone to see you through, I'll be there to carry you_

_I'll be there_

_I'll be the rock that will be strong for you, the one that will hold onto you_

_When you feel that rain falling down_

_When there's nobody else around_

_I'll be_

The brightly lit numbers of his bedside clock revealed the late night hour.

Lucas wasn't sure whether or not to be grateful that sleep had managed to evade him. He was tired with blue eyes drooping and the faint hint of a headache looming near but the ever present nausea was thankfully absent. For a moment, the familiar images had been chased away by sheer will. A refusal to give into sleep because that's where the images were at their strongest.

In the silence of night and the darkness of his room, he allowed his mind to wonder about the future. Something that had once seemed so secure… so definitive... was now riddled with uncertainty. Now all he saw were question marks.

School… basketball… Peyton….

It used to all seem so clear. College was where he wanted to be. Coaching basketball was what he wanted to do and Peyton was the girl he wanted to be beside him through it all. Yet none of it seemed to matter anymore. Not the life he had been planning or the hopes he had once held onto so closely. It was all slowly disappearing before his eyes and he couldn't muster the strength to care. To grasp on before everything had the chance to change.

_"I'd say that you're feeling lost and when that happens, you search for yourself at the place where everything changed."_

He'd never have all the answers but if he could find a little peace, Lucas knew he had to try.

Pushing back the comforter, he swung his legs out of bed and quickly stood. A careless hand swiped at the keys on his desk and the cell phone that sat beside the clock. Without thinking, Lucas began to walk away. Reached for his doorknob, ready to go outside before reality hit him over the head.

His hand lingered for just a moment as he glanced down.

He couldn't just walk away. Not anymore.

There was a sleeping child in the next room that would wake soon with tears in her eyes. Her stomach would be hungry or her diaper would be wet. Or maybe she would be waking from a bad dream, in need of as much comfort as he could give.

Brooke would be there, he told himself. Lucas knew that she would get up without hesitation and go straight to Lily's crib if she so much as heard a whimper. She would take care of the little girl just as she had every night for almost two weeks and she'd do it without ever uttering a single complaint.

_"Thank you… for letting me vent about Dan. For helping Nathan out so much. I just don't know what I'd do without you."_

Closing his eyes, Lucas slowly lowered his hand.

----------

Sunlight streamed in through the partially opened curtains and warmed Brooke's face. Her eye lashes fluttered and through the fog of sleep, it took several seconds to realize it was morning. Another few passed while she marveled that she'd made it through the night uninterrupted.

Her next thought was of Lily.

Quickly rising, Brooke checked the monitor sitting on the coffee table and found the volume turned all the way down. Confusion and panic mingled as she pushed passed her weariness and hurried to the closed door of the nursery, surprised by what she found inside.

"Luke?"

He sat with his back against the far wall and his legs stretched out in front of him. From the way his hair was mussed, Brooke knew that he'd run his fingers through it at least a dozen times and couldn't help but think that he needed to get it cut soon. Then she saw his eyes. The pale blue orbs were glassy and filled with a weariness that reflected his lack of sleep for the night.

"I couldn't pick her up," he said without taking his unseeing eyes away from the crib. "She was crying and I couldn't pick her up so I just sat here and talked to her. I waited for her to stop crying until I realized that she didn't know my voice," Lucas whispered, while his sister quietly slept a few feet away. "She only knows _your _voice but I didn't want to wake you. I just kept playing this voice message I had saved on my phone," he admitted. "We just listened to you talk on the speaker about formula and some little stuffed turtle you saw at the store. You said you'd bring Chinese take-out for dinner."

"Lucas…" she tried again and thought that he seemed broken... so alone. He was different now. Different than the boy he had been a month before, back when life was a little simpler... when the days didn't seem quite so long. Nights weren't as intimidating or riddled with the same nightmares that managed to keep him up until the early hours of morning. "Why don't you take a break for a while?" Brooke suggested. "Let me take care of Lily for a bit."

"I can't." His voice cracked on the words and she had to force back her own tears when Lucas admitted, "I don't know what to do anymore, Brooke. I can't... I don't know what..." he struggled before finally looking up at her with water in his eyes. "I thought I could do it but... I can't get through it alone."

Slowly kneeling down beside him, Brooke reached out and linked her fingers with his. She was soft to the touch and her warm skin comforted Lucas as he returned his gaze to the white bars of Lily's crib.

"Will you just talk to me?" he asked. "I don't want to think. I don't want to talk, I just... just let me listen to your voice for a little while. Please."

Brooke was scared that she was doing more damage than good where Lucas was concerned. She kept his secrets and didn't make him face his fears. For days she had wondered whether or not it was best to just let him work through it all on his own. If the best way to save him was to let him save himself.

So many times she told herself to just walk away. To wait until he'd come to terms with things before stepping back in to lend a hand with Lily.

But she couldn't do it.

A voice inside her head kept whispering to wait a little longer. Try a little harder. She'd get through to him if only she didn't give up.

"What do you want to hear?"

"Anything. Everything."

Lowering herself onto the floor, Brooke folded her legs beneath her but never let go of Lucas' hand. "After your accident last year, I spent a lot of time by your bed in the hospital," she quietly began and smiled tentatively when his gaze momentarily flicked towards her. "I learned some pretty interesting things from Karen about diaper rash and your first steps… the way you used to pout and how you refused to eat your vegetables when you were four."

Softly, until her voice was just above a whisper, she talked about the wide range of topics they chatted about. Little things that would seem inane to anyone else but meant a lot to Brooke since she'd never had a mother figure to talk to.

"But that first night I was so scared and rambling on about your horrible taste in music," Brooke said with a quiet and self deprecating laugh falling from her lips. "Then, um… your mom… she said that it was probably her fault because of all the songs she used to sing to you when she was pregnant. Old weepy stuff… you know? Because of the crazy hormones."

Though he didn't acknowledge her words, Brooke could tell that he was listening to every one.

"She told me that after you were born, she used to rock you in that glider and sing _All By Myself, _until you fell asleep." Silent tears spilled from her eyes but she made no move to wipe them away. Instead they landed against their joined hands and slipped between the two palms. "Something about, um… this Eric Caiman or Carmen phase you both went through. Whoever that is, right?"

"I miss her," Lucas admitted when he could no longer keep his shoulders from shaking. Stripped bare, he was raw and exposed. All inhibitions were gone while they sat, listening to a silence only interrupted by the gentle breathing of a three week old baby. "When is it going to stop hurting, Brooke? When is it gonna get easier?" he asked as the damn finally broke and his tears began to fall at a steady stream.

_I know you want some answers but what is the right answer? Because there is no answer, it's just life._

"I don't know."

Desperate for a modicum of comfort, he pulled Brooke onto his lap and banded his arms tightly around her body. Just like that night at the hospital after Karen's funeral, Lucas buried his face in the crook of her neck and hid the pain in his eyes.

_When you're there with no one to hold, I'll be the arms that reach for you.  
_

"Baby, I don't know," she quietly repeated and ran her fingers gently through his golden strands of hair. "I wish I could give you a date to mark on the calendar. I'd take away all your pain if I could."

With his chest pressed against hers, Brooke felt his heart beat in tandem with her own, unaware of the comfort that small detail gave Lucas. "I'm sorry that I never gave you a reason to stay."

Her eyes closed against the tears and her hand stilled for just a moment before it resumed its methodic movements. "If that was true, I wouldn't be here right now," she whispered.

"Yes you would."

Lucas knew that even when someone gave Brooke every reason to walk away, she tended to stand beside them despite whatever pain they caused. Loyal to a fault, he believed… and if he was her boyfriend he'd tell her that all those people were taking advantage of that rare quality. Though because he needed her, he kept quiet and silently thanked whatever fates there were that kept Brooke Davis in his life in spite of the pain he caused.

"It's just who you are."

----------

"Hands down, Lucas is my first choice," Haley quietly declared as she sat rocking little James to sleep. "Though he's already an uncle and knowing his relationship with Keith growing up, I'm sure Luke's already gonna take that title seriously. Which really only leaves Skillz or Mouth, but if you asked me, I'd have to say Skillz. Not that I don't love Mouth," she continued without taking much of a breath between sentences. Unbeknownst of the amused expression on her husband's face. "It's just... well, it's Skillz, you know? He's been a really great friend to both of us this year so it only seems right that we'd ask him to be Jamie's godfather."

"You're really beautiful, you know that?" Nathan responded and with those six words, he succeeded in throwing Haley off course.

"Where'd that come from?"

"From you," he smiled. "Watching you sit there with our son, I just keep thinking that I'm the luckiest guy I know."

"Nathan..."

"I'm gonna take care of you, Hales. You and Jamie," he promised. "I'll never hurt you or abandon you. You know that right? You know that I'd never hurt you," Nathan asked with a sudden desperation in his voice.

As soon as Haley heard it, she realized the mistake she made regarding her husband. The unspoken topic that she thought was better left unmentioned. Now she could see the reassurance he needed her to give.

"You're nothing like Dan. _You _know that, right Nathan?"

"History has a way of repeating itself, Hales." It wasn't an answer, at least not the one she wanted to hear. "I know I'm not like Keith so that really only leaves one other person. One brother." A hard look came over his features and for a moment, Haley could see how much her husband truly hated his father. "Tell me you trust me not to become him. Tell me you know that I won't," Nathan said, pleadingly.

"Trust _me _when I say that you are nothing like Dan Scott. You're good and you're caring and you are everything that he never was," Haley declared with a ferocity that couldn't be argued with. "You'll never be him. You couldn't _possibly_ be him."

Leaning forward, Nathan gently pressed his forehead against Haley's and closed his eyes, breathing in her flowery scent. "I love you," he murmured and lightly touched her lips with his. It was a sweet kiss. Playful but tender.

"We love you too," Haley quietly returned, smiling when Nathan bent closer to place a kiss on their slumbering son's head.

"Always and forever"

----------

"So where, exactly, are we going?" Lucas asked and reached for the two small bags Brooke had set down beside the door. One made of quilted lavender and the other, a much bolder shade of red. "You know I'm not really up for seeing anyone yet, right?"

"I know," she acknowledged and smiled softly. "Just trust me, okay? Can you do that?"

Nodding, Lucas quietly said, "You know I do."

Brooke's smile widened before she kinked her brow teasingly. "So are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna follow me?" she asked and lifted the carrier holding a sleeping Lily. Bundled beneath a pink and yellow floral blanket, she was barely visible. Lucas did, however, notice that his sister's little cap was a much smaller version of a hat he'd once seen Brooke sketching.

"Please don't tell me you already have her wearing your label?" Lucas slowly questioned, though if anything, he seemed amused. Brooke couldn't help but think that she preferred his smile to the look of sadness she had seen all month long.

"Are you kidding me," she asked, appalled. "With an extremely fashionable friend of the family, who is only too willing to dress her in the prettiest clothes, do you really think she's ever going to wear something besides Clothes over Bro's?"

"Something to look forward too, then huh?"

_Your smile...I've missed it._

"Damn right." Before she could stop herself, she blurted out, "You look happy." Then a moment later his smile was gone, disappeared to wherever all his smiles had gone away to. "Lucas, no," Brooke said and gently set down Lily's carrier. He watched her walk to him until she just a few inches away. Vanilla greeted his nose as she reached out to take his hand. "That's the point of today, Luke. You have to smile. You have to start living your life again."

"I just...I can't help but feel guilty," he quietly admitted. "It's not fair that I'm here with Lily, and they're not."

Sighing, Brooke glanced back at the still slumbering child for just a moment before saying, "They _are_ here."

His expression was skeptical, Brooke recognized, but he didn't say anything. Didn't utter a single word as though he was trying to believe it, despite his instinct not to.

"Look at your sister, Lucas." Tugging on his hand, she forced him to follow her and then kneel down by her side in front of the carrier. "That button nose and soft black hair is from Karen. She's going to be so beautiful, like her mother," Brooke whispered. "And her eyes... they're the exact same shade as Keith's. She's going to see truths in people... gonna be so compassionate, like her father. The perfect mix of two amazing people with very strong hints of her own person just waiting to grow."

As he listened, Lucas stared at the little girls features and tried to see bits of her parents on her face. He absorbed every little freckle... every curve that made up her nose, eyes and mouth.

"And she's gonna have you, Luke. With your intelligence and kindness and everything you learned from Karen and Keith and everything that is uniquely you," Brooke gently continued. "Only one month old and she is already so blessed because the best people in the world, are her family." Tears began to cloud her vision but she didn't let them fall. She just continued to whisper, hoping that somehow she was getting through to the boy beside her. "She's gonna need you to smile back at her. To laugh at her jokes, to tell her stories. She's going to need _your _voice after she's had a bad dream. She needs _you_, Lucas."

"What if I do the wrong thing?"

"Then you'll do it right the time after that."

"What if I'm still scared?" he asked and lowered his eyes shamefully.

_When you need someone to run to, you can run to me._

"You have Haley and Nathan... the guys from the court... Peyton, Mouth, even Whitey. You have me," Brooke softly reminded. "I promise you, if you fall... we'll catch you."

Nodding, Lucas continued to stare at the floor as he opened his mouth and quietly said, "You know, it's the easiest thing in the world to stand beside someone and share a happiness you never helped create." He didn't notice the frown his words placed on Brooke's lips as she wondered where the subject change had come from. "Telling someone that you want them beside you is a flawed barometer of how much you care. You're just... for whatever reason, you're giving them a gift, but it's one that doesn't mean anything. At least not to a person who has had something great given to them and something great taken away."

_When all my dreams come true, the one I want standing next to me. It's you. It's you, Peyton._

_"_To be happy when they are... that's the simple part. The part that doesn't take a whole lot of effort." Glancing up, Lucas looked straight into Brooke's eyes and without hesitation, he said, "You couldn't stand beside me because you were always standing _behind_ me and you've been catching me every day."

"Lucas..."

"Thank you."

_Even when I don't tell you, it means a lot to me to know that you're there. It means everything._

His hand slid away from hers so that he could use it gently cup her cheek.

"I don't know what I would've done without you."

_I am here. We both are._

Her eyes darted away from his because it felt too much like old times with his hand pressed against her skin. How many times had he comforted her with that very same gesture? How many times had he held her cheek just before whispering his love and leaning in for a kiss. A hundred... maybe more.

"You would've gotten through it, Luke. I'm sure of it," Brooke quietly, almost shyly replied. "It's who _you _are."

----------

"Peyton? What are you doing here?"

When she opened the front door, Haley was surprised to see her blonde friend standing on the other side. Tight fitted jeans covered her legs, accompanied by a pair of high heeled boots and a camisole top that was more of Brooke's style than Peyton's. Though more surprising than her wardrobe and sudden appearance was the makeup she wore on her face. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick... even a dusting of blush over her fair skin.

"Good to see you too, Hales," Peyton dryly responded before pulling her friend into a quick hug.

"Sorry, it's just...I thought you'd be in California for the rest of the summer," Haley explained before holding the door open wider. Still... she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. "Come inside and we'll catch up until Nathan gets back from the store with Jamie's diapers."

Smiling, Peyton stepped over the threshold and asked, "Is James awake?"

"Actually I just put him down about a couple hours ago but he should be up soon," Haley answered and invited her friend to sit. Then jumping right to the point, she asked, "Not that I'm not glad to see you, Peyton but why are you back in town? What happened to the internship at Cyrus?"

"It's still there," she said, shrugging while sinking into the thick couch cushions.

For a moment she stopped to marvel at how it all seemed the same. The walls, the furniture... all of it identical to when she used to date Nathan. It was funny how she thought it had somehow changed while she was away. Not just the house or the street but her friends and the town.

She felt like a completely different person yet everything else stayed the same. Like Tree Hill was stuck in limbo while the rest of the world evolved daily.

"Meaning it's there for you to go back to or that they just haven't hired your replacement yet?" she asked and successfully brought Peyton screeching back to the here and now.

"Um..."

Her friend's increasing silence became all the answer Haley needed.

"I see." Reaching for the remote control to shut off the TV show she'd been watching, Haley sat back and pinned her friend with a penetrating stare. "Please don't tell me you that you left your job for Lucas."

Instantly and before she could stop herself, Peyton jumped into defensive mode and declared, "Just because _you _left the tour to win back Nathan, doesn't mean I came home for Lucas."

It was like a sharp, quick slap in the face. One that had Haley blinking back surprise as though she'd been physically hit. Her eyes widened and she stared at the other girl as though she was crazy. "Are you honestly trying to compare the two situations?" Haley questioned once she'd gotten her bearings. "Nathan is my husband and Lucas is a boy you dated for a couple months. There _is_ no comparison."

She knew it wasn't a fair thing to say given how much Peyton cared for Lucas but after the blonde's comment, Haley could only see red.

"What the hell happened to you in California, anyway?"

Shaking her head, Peyton replied, "I spent some time in the real world, Haley and I got myself a new job. A better one working at a club in New York."

"Doing what at a club in New York?"

"Promotion... advertising...everything to do with getting people in to see the bands."

"So then why are you in Tree Hill instead of the city, doing your job?"

"The club's brand new and won't have it's big opening for another month so the owner gave me a three week break until I have to be up there," Peyton informed as she flicked a lock of blonde hair over her shoulder. It was a flirtatious move, again something Haley had seen Brooke do countless times over the previous two years. "He grew up with the drummer from Jack's Mannequin and when the guys recommended me, he offered me a job on the spot."

Listening to the words coming from the blonde's mouth, Haley had to wonder who this girl was and what did she do with the real Peyton Sawyer.


	4. Underneath Your Clothes

**Author's Note: **_As always, thank you very much for the wonderful reviews. Your words truly humble me and it's so amazing to hear how much you like something I did. With so many differing opinions, I know that somewhere along the line there's something that someone hasn't or won't like but you're all so amazingly respectful about things and I just really want to thank you all for that._

_This chapter is kind of a transition. Things are starting to shift with Lucas and Brooke, though not just with them. It's kind of short, I apologize for that but I finished pretty quickly and didn't want to make you wait too long for an update since I took way too long the last time. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and again, thank you all so much for your amazing words. _

_**Underneath Your Clothes - Shakira **_

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Underneath Your Clothes  
**

_Because of you_

_I forgot the smart ways to lie_

_Because of you_

_I'm running out of reasons to cry_

_When the friends are gone_

_When the party's over_

_We will still belong to each other _

You_ do_ know that she's not going to remember any of this, right?" Lucas reminded as he watched Brooke point out the sights to Lily. Resting in her arms, the little girl was barely awake, though that didn't stop Brooke from talking about the people driving in the distance.

"Maybe she won't, but we will," Brooke informed breezily. "Besides… that's what the camera's for."

"What camera."

"Side pocket of my bag," she directed and patiently waited for Lucas to dig out the small digital camera. "Here. Let's trade," she offered and gestured for Lucas to put out his arms to receive the nearly asleep child. "God, you need a haircut."

"I'm not five," Lucas declared as Brooke ran her fingers through his hair in an attempt to straighten the unruly blonde strands. Playfully, he batted her hands away and smiled when she glared.

"Could have fooled me," she muttered under her breath and quickly darted away when he returned her glare with one of his own. "I can just hear it now. _Brooke, how come my brother looks like such a dork in all my baby pictures_? Then of course I'm gonna have to tell Lily that you confused her first years with the early nineties and thought that sort of hairdo was still in."

"Alright, already… I'll get it cut soon," Lucas said, more to placate the chatty brunette than anything else. Then almost instantly after, he ran his fingers through his hair and asked, "It isn't that bad, is it?"

Brooke could barely hold back a laugh, delighted that he seemed like her old Lucas. The boy who only brooded part-time instead of all day, everyday. "It could be worse," she shrugged. "Have you seen Nathan lately? His hair looks like a helmet."

"Aren't you sweet?" Lucas dryly retorted. "Just take the picture."

"Fine, fine… act natural and don't stare straight at the camera."

"Why not?"

"Because it's a candid shot," Brooke informed.

"But you're posing me," Lucas felt the need to remind.

"Yeah, but we'll be the only two people who know that," she explained as though the answer should have been simple. "To everyone else, you were hanging out beneath a tree and without you even knowing it, I walked up and snapped a picture."

Frowning, Lucas had to ask, "But why would I just be hanging out beneath a tree?"

Again, Brooke shot him an exasperated look, silently telling him that he should already know the answer. "Because you have Lily with you. Hence the tree… shading her from direct sunlight."

He opened his mouth to argue but found he had nothing else to pick at. "Fine. Take the picture."

Smirking victoriously, Brooke stared through the viewfinder until she was satisfied with the angle. "One… two…" she said and snapped the picture before ever uttering a quiet, "Three."

"Your turn," Lucas said.

Glancing down at the discarded take-out cartons, Brooke realized that if she was holding Lily, there was no way Lucas would make her clean up their mess. "Good idea," she said and held her arms out for the baby. "Between the two of us, we're tipping the cuteness scale. Might as well have a picture to document it," Brooke shrugged, teasing while Lucas playfully rolled his eyes.

"Whatever you say, pretty girl," he said, belatedly realizing the slip.

"Smile, Lily," she coached the weary child while intentionally ignoring the old nickname Lucas used.

Taking the hint, he repeated her earlier action and searched for the perfect shot.

It was almost clichéd, he couldn't help but think. There was a light breeze in the air that blew her long brown waves around her face. The sun had placed a pale pink tinge on her cheeks and her earlier laughter left a twinkle in her eyes. A sweetness that was offset by the bold red sundress she wore. No doubt a Clothes Over Bro's original.

Sitting there, she was a writer's dream come true. The perfect descriptive subject.

"Luke, you know I'm not patient enough to sit still for this long," Brooke reminded. Her throaty voice was the interruption to his thoughts he needed. Quickly, he glanced through the viewfinder again and snapped the picture. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Her features softened and concern filled her tone. In a moment she went from being the playful girl he knew, to a worried friend. The same worried friend who had been taking care of him without any concern for herself. "Nothing," he said and saw the skepticism that had replaced the twinkle in her hazel eyes. "I promise."

Though whether or not Brooke would have pushed the subject was unknown to Lucas as Lily began to cry. Her little face turned pink with exertion and her tiny fists shook. "I think she needs you," Brooke said and leaned towards Lucas. "Here. Talk to her," she coached and once again set the upset child in his arms. "Let her hear your voice."

"What if it's her diaper or something?" Lucas questioned with audible nervousness. "I still haven't done that yet."

"Well if it's her diaper, then it's definitely something she needs _you_ for," Brooke teased and encouraged Lucas to find out what the problem was.

"I don't know how," he admitted.

"Feel her bottom."

"What?" he asked, suddenly appalled and afraid. "I can't do that. She's… you know," he trailed off leadingly, though Brooke's expression told him she had no idea what he meant. "A girl," Lucas pointed out and attempted to give her back to Brooke.

She was having none of that though and shook her head. "She's just a baby. Trust me, Lily won't remember it," Brooke assured but it didn't seem to make him feel any better. "Just…" she said and reached for his hand. "Feel."

Lucas braced himself but didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. Sighing with relief, he said, "I think she's okay," but the little girl continued to wail.

"Just rock her," Brooke suggested and dug inside the diaper bag for a bottle. "Here. Try this."

Watching him, she was tempted to reveal how frazzled _she _had been during those first few nights. At times she had wondered if Lily would ever stop crying or if she'd ever be able to change her diaper without first resisting the impulse to throw up.

So many times she had been moments away from picking up the phone to call Haley. She wondered if her friends were just as scared about taking care of James or if they easily managed between the two of them. Brooke had even contemplated marching into Lucas' room to demand that he help.

Then she heard him run to the bathroom and empty what little was left in his stomach into the toilet. That's when she held him and realized the amount of pain he was in. A hurt that went far deeper than his mother's recent passing. Anger over the way Dan had tricked them all or fear that he could ever be his father's son.

So instead of asking anyone else for help, Brooke did what she had to and learned to take care of Lily. It became something she needed to do in order to keep Lucas from feeling any more pain or pressure.

"I though she was falling asleep but I guess she was hungry instead, "Lucas murmured.

Maybe if he hadn't managed to calm the little girl, Brooke would have confessed it all.

"I guess so."

----------

When Peyton arrived at the apartment, she was surprised by how empty it seemed. Though the furniture and everything else remained just as it was on the day she left, it no longer felt lived in. As if Brooke just used the space as a storage locker for her things.

Walking around, she found it odd that all the clothes were in their proper places, hanging in the closet or tucked away in drawers as opposed to draped across the bed or strewn over the floor.

Usually her brunette friend just tossed things around, more because she was always in a hurry to get from one place to another than because she was actually messy. Every time they had lived together, it was something Peyton called her on. Especially when Brooke was crashing in her bedroom earlier that year.

Back then it was Lucas she was rushing off to. A few hours before curfew with the blonde haired boy they both managed to fall in love with.

Looking around, the curly haired girl couldn't help but wonder if that was still the case.

In her eyes, it would make sense. For weeks she tried to get a hold of Lucas and failed each and every time. The same pretty much went for Brooke and the random calls that _did_ go through had also ended a few minutes in.

Errands to run, she said. Places to be.

Even Haley had all but said that she hadn't seen either Brooke or Lucas recently. Between watching over James and stealing moments of sleep wherever they could find them, they seemed too busy for much else.

"Do you even live here anymore?" she asked the silence while walking back into the kitchen. Upon further inspection, she found nothing but a spoiled bottle of milk, a couple cans of diet soda and some leftover Chinese food that smelled bad enough to make Peyton's eyes water. "Urg…" she blanched and quickly shut the refrigerator door.

Reaching for her purse, she headed straight out the door and down the steps to the parking lot.

The gothic looking black convertible she drove throughout high school was a safe haven as she leaned her head back against the red leather seats. For just a moment, she allowed her new persona to roll off her shoulders, leaving the old Peyton Sawyer its wake.

Insecure and scared, she took a couple deep breaths and tried to convince herself that she wasn't too late. She couldn't possibly believe that after everything that happened, Lucas would have already moved on. Especially not with Brooke. Not with the girl who was now deathly afraid of commitment.

"You can do this," she quietly coached herself before turning the key in the ignition. Only one destination was in Peyton Sawyer's mind.

----------

Nearly an hour later when the sun had gone down and the air had cooled, Brooke Davis drove her powder blue convertible up the Scott driveway. Lights from the first floor shone through the windows and lit a path up to the front door.

She reached out to ring the bell before remembering the newborn baby inside.

Knocking instead, Brooke shifted from one foot to the other as she impatiently waited for someone to appear on the other side. "Thank god it's you and not Nathan," she said and allowed her shoulders to sag when Haley's face greeted her. "Can I come in?" Brooke requested.

"Yeah… of course," Haley said and held the door open wide. Silently, she couldn't help but wonder if Brooke's haggard demeanor had anything to do with her own earlier visit with Peyton. "Come on. Nathan's upstairs with Jamie so we can hang out in the kitchen with some ice cream," she suggested.

"Sounds perfect," Brooke agreed and followed her friend into the spacious kitchen.

"So what's wrong?" Haley queried as she set a carton down on the counter and handed Brooke a spoon.

"In a word… Peyton."

"Yeah, I knew she was back in town," Haley acknowledged. "She stopped by here earlier and… well, let's just say it wasn't a real pleasant visit," she admitted while Brooke kinked her brow in question. "I guess she rubbed you the rug way too then, huh?"

"Understatement," Brooke replied.

"What'd she say?"

"Actually, I think the correct question would be, what _didn't_ she say," Brooke stated and swallowed a spoonful of rainbow sherbet before adding, "As we speak, she's probably still yelling at Lucas."

"Whoa…back up a second," Haley quickly interrupted. "Start from the beginning and don't leave anything out."

Though rather than jump right in, Haley was surprised to see Brooke's hesitation. A brief pause that spoke volumes about what the brunette needed to say. "Look, Hales… the truth is that I promised Luke I wouldn't say anything but since Hurricane Sawyer came blowing into town, I guess you're bound to find out anyway."

"Find out what?"

"That Luke's been having a pretty hard time dealing with things lately," Brooke said while a wave of guilt washed over her. She felt like she was betraying his confidence though she truly believed Peyton would spill everything she knew afterwards anyway. Then the story might not be quite as accurate. "It's Karen, but that's not really the only thing. Its old grief about Keith and this…anger, or fear… something really ugly inside about Dan."

Closing her eyes, Haley shook her head. "Yeah, I know… I mean, not about Lucas but about all that stuff with Dan. Nathan feels it too," she revealed and watched sympathy and understanding play out across Brooke's features. "He's terrified and completely repulsed by the possibility that he could ever be like Dan."

"There _is_ no possibility," Brooke stated, definitive and firm. "They're nothing like him. They could never do to each other what Dan did to Keith."

"I know that and you know that… I just wish it was as obvious to them as it is to us," Haley admitted while a silent moment of understanding passed between the two girls. "Anyway, I'm sorry… finish telling me about Lucas. What else has been going on with him and why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"It's not like he even really told _me._ I just walked in at the wrong time and it all just fell into place after that," Brooke said, shrugging. "He's proud, you know. He hated what was going on with him and wanted to deal with it alone but someone needed to watch over Lily." Staring down into the half empty carton, Brooke had a difficult time admitting, "It wasn't always easy but things are better now. _He's _better now."

Nodding, Haley set her spoon down and tucked loose strands of hair back into its bun. She sensed that whatever was going on between the brunette and her best friend was something Brooke had trouble sharing. She also couldn't help noticing the cheery red sundress her friend wore, or the faint scent of baby powder she carried.

"So how does Peyton fit into all of this?" she eventually asked.

"The million dollar question," Brooke muttered under her breath. "I was at Luke's," she admitted before quickly adding, "Sitting on the living room floor reading to Lily in her carrier. So when Peyton showed up outside his bedroom door, I had absolutely no idea she was there. At least not until I heard the two of them yelling behind his door."

"Yelling about what?"

"Not really sure," Brooke shrugged. She did a good job of pretending it didn't matter but Haley saw beneath the well placed façade. She had no doubt how bothered Brooke really was by whatever had transpired earlier that day.

"Then what happened?" Haley gently prodded.

Brooke couldn't help but think how great a mom Haley was going to be. The calm tones she spoke with and the hesitant way she pushed seemed to be a perfect combination.

James was a lucky boy, Brooke believed.

"In a nutshell… I'm a bitch," she sighed. "Peyton thinks I told her to back off Lucas and give him some space because I wanted him for myself. She actually believes we're sleeping together."

"Just because you were at his house, helping with Lily?"

"Not quite," Brooke admitted, albeit uncomfortably.

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm missing something big here?" Haley asked and narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Brooke Penelope Davis…" she said, quickly getting the brunette's attention with the full use of her name. "Spill it."

"Demanding much? God, Hales… is your son gonna have to inform you every time he goes to the bathroom or gets a drink of water," Brooke questioned, unsuccessfully stalling the young mother.

"Nice try, Tigger. Not good enough though," Haley stated. "Spill."

"Fine," she said, sighing dramatically. "I told you I've been helping out with Lily but I've also been… well, I've kind of, sort of been sleeping there every night," Brooke revealed and quickly added. "But just a little bit."

"Is that anything like being just a little bit drunk, or just a little bit pregnant?" Haley dryly asked.

"It's really not that big of a deal," Brooke informed, nonchalantly.

"Really?" Skepticism in spades, Haley studied her friend for several uncomfortable moments.

"Look, Haley… he was really bad off for a while. What was going on with him emotionally made it next to impossible for him to physically take care of Lily," Brooke revealed without her usual humor or dramatic flair. What got to Haley more was the fact that Brooke had actually addressed her by name instead of one of many pet ones she was so fond of using. "He was alone because he couldn't let anyone in so I stayed there and looked after the both of them. But that's all. There was nothing romantic or conniving or anything else about it. Just one friend desperate to help another."

Softening, Haley walked around the island and enveloped Brooke in a hug. One that the brunette gladly welcomed. "I wish I had known but I know you took good care of him. I'm glad he has you," Haley whispered and frowned sadly when she felt moisture from Brooke's tears soak through her t-shirt.

It was amazing that they had ever once been indifferent to each other. Haley couldn't help but remember how wrong she had once been about the cheery brunette. How she had taken everything at face value instead of digging a little deeper like Lucas had.

The former cheer captain and party girl extraordinaire ended up becoming her best girl friend. The one she turned to and trusted. A girl who knew she was pregnant before even her husband or childhood friend did. And when she returned from the tour, snubbed by both Nathan and Peyton, it had been Brooke that opened up her new home. She was the girl who encouraged her not to give up on Nathan. The one who stood beside her as maid of honor when she pledged her love to Nathan a second time.

"This is probably the strangest thing to ask given everything that's happened recently but…." Pulling back, Haley watched Brooke wipe away her tears before she asked, "Would you be Jamie's godmother?"

"What?"

"I know it's sudden and it's a big responsibility but…"

"Yes!"

"Yes?"

"Yes! Definitely yes, Hales. I'd love to be his godmother," Brooke smiled, looking happy for the first time that night. Then before Haley could blink, Brooke pulled her back into a hug. This time an one excited as she bounced in place, earning Haley's nickname for her. "I'm gonna do a good job, okay. I promise."

"I know you will, Brooke," Haley smiled. "I know you will."

----------

"This is stupid, Peyton. We're just going around in circles," Lucas said in a frustration laced voice. "You won't listen to anything I have to say and at this point… I don't really care what _you_ have to say, either."

Tiredly, he ran an agitated hand through his hair and considered asking her to leave when heard her barely audible voice say, "Oh…"

Glancing back at her, Lucas couldn't help but think that she looked so utterly crushed. In that moment, he opened his mouth to apologize. For what though, he wasn't sure.

"I guess I just thought that you needed time to figure things out," Peyton quietly murmured before he could utter another word. "The truth is I never thought you wouldn't pick me. I guess I believed that once you had everything straightened out your head… I thought you'd call me. I thought you'd want to talk," she admitted and wrapped her arms tightly around her body as she stared down at the carpet.

"Oh..." it was his turn to say.

She appeared so frail and lost that he couldn't think up another word. His mind went blank while she stood there, silently begging him to say something. Anything that would give her even the smallest hint of hope.

"It just really hurts to know that you leaned on Brooke when I all but begged you to let _me_ in."

_I am not pushing you away Lucas, I'm holding on for dear life but I need you to need me back. Okay, why wouldn't you tell me about the kiss and why didn't you call while you were away and why won't you ever just let me all the way in?! _

Closing his eyes, Lucas forced the memory back into the deepest recesses of his mind and searched for a quick response. "It's not like I was holding two pieces of gum and decided to chew the cherry flavored one." It was the best he could do as a wave of guilt quickly assaulted his senses. "I didn't push you away so that I could pull Brooke closer. Okay, that's not what happened."

"Then what _did_ happen, Lucas? Tell me. I'd really like to know," Peyton stated and thought that maybe she was finally starting to get through to him. The expression he wore showed remorse but the curly haired blonde mistook it for something he felt towards _her_. She was unaware of all the things he was slowly realizing that had everything to do with Brooke and nothing to do with Peyton.

"I… I don't know," Lucas burst out as frustration and guilt began to overwhelm him. "I pushed and... and... and, she just…"

_You told me to fight for you and I did. You never fought for me._

"…fought back."


	5. Look After You

**Author's Note: **_Again, thank you all for your great reviews!! I want to warn you about this chapter, though because of the LP conversation but it's nothing graphic and be assured that I am mostly definitely leading towards BL. I just think that in order for Brooke to ever be secure in a relationship with Lucas, she has to know that it's over for him with Peyton. It's also kind of a filler and therefore, kind of short but I hope you'll forgive me for that. _

_Anyway, I hope you enjoy and if you don't, I'm sorry and hope you enjoy the next one. Thanks!_

_**Look After You – The Fray**_

**Chapter 5 – Look After You**

_It's always have and never hold_

_You've begun to feel like home_

_What's mine is yours to leave or take_

_What's mine is yours to make your own_

Later that night when Brooke got in her car to go home, she stayed halted at the stop sign just passed Haley's street and tried to decide which direction to turn in. For a moment she was reminded of her weekend in New York and the compassionate cab driver who listened to all her problems. Back then it had been a question of whether to stay at Rogue Vogue, where her life would have inevitably changed, or to fly back to the Classic. A cheer completion that was the proverbial safe haven. The place where she could remain a kid for just a little longer.

Now Brooke couldn't help but think how similar it all was.

One direction led to safety, the other to change. The only problem was that Brooke had no idea which was which.

_It's always have and never hold. You've begun to feel like home. _

Before she could second guess herself, Brooke turned left towards her apartment. For that night at least, it would be her haven. Though what she didn't count on was the sight of Peyton's car in the parking lot when she arrived.

After the brief confrontation they'd already had, Brooke seriously considered driving by instead of stopping. It would be so easy to go somewhere else. Back to Haley's or even a hotel for the night. Just somewhere that would give her a few precious hours of peace before everything blew up in her face. But in the end, she only parked and pulled the keys from the ignition because she knew that sooner or later, they'd have to talk again.

The sooner they talked, the sooner they could put it all behind them, she decided.

Peyton, on the other hand, was nowhere near ready to see her once best friend with so many thoughts still swirling around in her head. Her heart still hurt from the fight she and Brooke had and especially from the look Lucas wore when he talked about her. This sort of awed expression that made Peyton feel sick to her stomach.

Most of all, she wondered why she kept losing the people who meant the most to her.

"I guess you noticed the fridge was pretty much empty," Brooke softly commented when she walked inside and saw the untouched box of pizza on the coffee table. The front door had closed almost soundlessly behind her and the quiet timber of her voice momentarily startled the curly haired blonde.

"Kind of hard to miss, considering that the whole apartment smells like rotten milk," Peyton retorted once she'd gotten her bearings back, then made a show of reaching for a slice of pepperoni and cheese. Opening her mouth wide, she took a big bite and moaned, "Hmmm… good," and against her better judgment, she couldn't resist asking, "What are you doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you be with Lucas? Helping him exist or something."

"Seriously?" Brooke asked back and rolled her eyes. A laugh escaped passed her lips though it held no humor. "I've said it before and I'll say it again… you are something else, Peyton Sawyer. Showing up at _my_ apartment after all that crap you spewed earlier. You'll be lucky if I don't throw you out on your boney ass."

"Sounds like you want round two of the fight we had before prom."

"You mean the fight we had before I was almost killed trying to save you from that psycho," Brooke corrected and saw Peyton flinch at the memory. "At least you got to have your best friend _and _boyfriend around to comfort you. Lucas couldn't have been more supportive every time you started to freak out. He was there for you… everyone one was and even though I was tied up in the next chair, getting the same beating, no one really stopped and noticed how screwed up _I _was over it," she reminded. "So please don't sit there and look at me like I'm a bitch for even mentioning it."

"He wasn't after you," Peyton bit back. "You have no idea what it feels like to know that guy walked around taking pictures of me when I wasn't looking. That he had this… this sick obsession and perverted fantasies."

Sighing, Brooke tiredly said, "No, I just know what it feels like to be beaten up by a guy who _wasn't _after me." Glancing through the small space between the curtains, Brooke stared outside for a moment before adding, "Intent doesn't really matter when the pain feels the same either way."

It was Peyton's turn to look away, suddenly hesitant to say anything else.

"I know you think that I told you to get on that plane so that I could have him all to myself, but you couldn't be further from the truth," Brooke quietly declared when she realized there was no point arguing over the aftermath of Ian's attack. "Lucas didn't want help and I knew that if you heard him say it enough times, you'd only end up hurt. I did what I thought was best and if you want to be mad at me for it… go ahead. Our friendship is pretty much non-existent at this point anyway."

They had both known for a while that any friendship they could ever work their way back to would never be as strong as it once was. The damage was done and no amount of repair on either side could fix that. So when a few moments passed and the blonde didn't say anything, Brooke figured she wasn't going to get a response. "Fine." Sighing, she shook her head and began to walk away when the other girl's voice called out.

"I have three weeks before I start a new job. Three weeks to make things right with Lucas. So if you really have my best interest at heart… you'll let me take care of him now."

Frozen with surprise, Brooke's eye lashes fluttered closed and shut the world away for a few tense seconds. She could hear the words echoing over and again in her mind but somehow they still didn't seem real. Finally, when she was certain that she hadn't imagined it, Brooke opened her eyes. "You really don't get it, do you?" Turning, she faced the blonde with an expressionless mask over her features.

"Get what?"

Sadly, Brooke said, "That's what I thought," and walked away, closing the bedroom door behind her.

----------

Sitting in his mother's old rocking chair, Lucas listened to the silence of his sister's slumber while thinking about the day's events. He wondered how things could change so drastically from one hour to another. Between the utter helplessness he felt that morning to the fun in the park and then frustration during his fight with Peyton… it was way more drama than he cared for.

Even with his ex-girlfriend long gone, Lucas kept replaying their earlier fight in his head. Kept hearing the words and wondering what he could have done differently.

"_It was supposed to be me. _You_ said it was me," Peyton reminded, grasping at straws. "Lucas, when you looked at me that night at the game… I didn't need the words anymore, because I knew you loved me back. I could see it. I _felt_ it." She believed it was the night that changed everything so when she felt alone and uncertain, Peyton always went back to that night. It was her safety blanket. The one reassurance that told her it wasn't over with Lucas. _

"_Peyton…" he trailed off, ashamed of the broken promises that had piled up around him. He knew that he had only himself to blame for the uncertainty he seemed to provoke in the girls he dated. While it had never been his intention, things always managed to get so screwed up on the journey from his head to his mouth. _

"_You love me," she stated, unaware of the inner struggle he was currently going through. She was so focused on proving her point that she couldn't see how sad he was. How disappointed in himself he had become. "I know you still love me." _

Because, I do… Peyton, but it's okay because there's this girl. I mean, you might know her, her name is Brooke Davis and I am completely _in_ love with her.

"_You've always meant a lot to me, Peyton and I do love you," Lucas admitted and fought the impulse to turn away when he saw hope light her green eyes again. "It's just… it's not the kind of love that lasting relationships are built on. It's what amazing friendships are made of."_

"_No," she shook her head. "Don't you dare try to tell me that it wasn't real love, Lucas Scott. Because I know… okay, I felt it," Peyton declared once more. "That night in Honeygrove…the morning after… you promised me, Lucas. You promised that you loved me. It was real. I know it was."_

_Guilt and remorse threatened to knock him over as he tried to figure out some way to make things right again. _

"_Alright," he conceded and slowly shook his head at himself for what he was about to do. "You want the truth, I'll give it to you," Lucas agreed. "Two years ago, I was… I was infatuated with you," he admitted while she sat down on his bed and stared up at him. Thinly veiled optimism shone from her eyes while she waited for his next words. Peyton hoped against hope that he was about to give in and admit what she knew in her heart to be true. "You were what I wanted and for a long time, it blinded me to everything else. Even after we hurt Brooke and destroyed her trust… I still wanted you."_

"_I still wanted you, too. I was just scared, you know," Peyton quickly admitted. "If for some reason, things didn't work out between us, I would've lost my boyfriend and my best friend." _

_Nodding, Lucas pushed her words away from his mind and continued his explanation. "The thing is, Peyton… it wasn't love. Infatuation, yes…lust, maybe but not love," he stated and glanced around the room. If she had been the one in his heart, he would've been able to pick any book from the shelf or a song on his computer and the memory it would give him would be of her… but it didn't. Not when he looked at the shirts in the closet or the sheets on his bed. None of it was Peyton. _

_Instead it was another girl entirely. Someone who he thought he'd long since given up on. Someone who was everywhere, even when she wasn't in the room. _

_"The thing is…" Lucas said and looked Peyton straight in the eyes because he didn't want there to be any more misunderstandings. "I didn't expect it or even see it coming but I fell in love with Brooke. Then when it fell apart…I didn't think I was ever going to _feel_ again. Really feel."_

_Peyton frowned. _"_I don't care about what happened with Brooke." _

"_Well, I do." _

"_No" she said, frustrated. _"_Lucas, this isn't about her," Peyton argued. "This is about you and me and the way we feel about each other." _

_Disagreeing, Lucas gently shook his head and quietly reminded, "You wanted the truth, Peyton. The truth is that I do love you and you matter a lot to me, but there's only ever been one girl that I've given my entire heart to," he said softly and watched tears well up in her eyes. "That girl isn't you."_

_Looking away, the curly haired blonde could only murmur, "Oh…" _

----------

"_Brooke, can I ask you a question?"_

"_Sure."_

"_Are you falling in love with him again?"_

"_Who said I ever stopped?" Brooke quietly asked back and returned her attention to the now empty ice cream carton. "But it's like I said, Hales… that's not what any of this is about. He needed help and for whatever reason, he let me be the one to give it to him," she assured. "That's all." _

When her phone began to ring, Brooke quickly forgot about the rest of her conversation with Haley and reached for the small, noisy object.

It was a text message accompanied by a picture of a very naked, very muscular guy.

_Eat your heart out whore._

_XOXO_

_Rachel_

For a moment, Brooke was able to laugh and forget how screwed up everything was back in Tree Hill. Then she caught the faint hum of Peyton's music through her bedroom door and her smile slipped away. The song was something low and in Brooke's opinion, depressing. The kind of song that made people curl up and cry all night, even if that wasn't the case for her former friend.

No, instead it would be Peyton's inspiration. Brooke could guess that by morning, there'd be another one of her drawings sitting on the coffee table.

No doubt it would be something pissed off, she thought.

Still, Brooke refrained from going out into the living room and flicking off the music like she would've done in the past. In all actuality, no matter how depressing it was, it still wasn't worth getting into another argument. Especially since Brooke had already begun to miss Lily like crazy.

_Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait. My heart has started to separate._

True, it had only been a few weeks but after rocking her to sleep every night and smelling that sweet baby smell, Brooke had grown very attached to that little girl. And if she was honest with herself, she'd admit to also wondering how Lucas was faring on his own. Not for the first time. Brooke considered whether or not she was doing the right thing by staying away.

Though most of all, she was scared of his nightmares. She worried that if it was bad enough, they'd keep him from taking care of Lily.

----------

When Lily began to cry, Lucas was quickly pulled out of his memories. "It's okay… shh…" he quietly coached and leaned over the side of her crib to lift her from its confines. Still hesitant and nervous, his first thought was to call out for Brooke. He half expected her to walk through the door, declaring that she'd heard Lily crying on the monitor.

_There now, steady love, so few come and don't go._

Lucas knew she'd take the little girl in her arms and rock her back to sleep. She'd sing or talk just so that Lily would hear her voice. She would be a comfort, to both his sister and himself.

"Do you miss her?" he whispered and silently admitted to himself that he missed her too. "Do you miss Brooke?"

She didn't walk through the door when he said her name though and Lucas was scared that after everything with Peyton, she wouldn't come back again. Or that if she did, it wouldn't be the same. That everything would be different now… distant. Just as it was after they broke up and the most they saw of each other were brief glimpses in the hall between classes.

Back then he had to remind himself daily to keep his distance. The to curb the impulse to wrap his arms around her from behind while she talked to Haley or Rachel.

Brooke had always seemed so good at staying away that he forced himself to play the same game. He hid his disappointment every time she passed by without a second glance or muttered word. And it worked too… at least until she invited him to the sports banquette. Until she opened the door just a crack and let him partially back into her life.

Lucas knew that he screwed up with her that night. He should have opened his mouth to admit how much he missed her… or how beautiful she looked. Anything that would have made her see that it wasn't over for him. That she was still very much a part of his life, even at a distance.

But he got scared and when she took a step back, he took two.

There was nothing else to say after that.

_Will you, won't you be the one I always know?_

----------

"It's almost midnight, Hales," Nathan reminded as he stood in the center of their bedroom, holding their sleeping son against his chest. The picture they made was a beautiful one and for a moment, she almost relented. Almost.

"I know and I'll be back soon, I promise. I just really need to do this," she said to her husband while silently begging him with a lookk to understand why it was so important. Because watching him there with James, it couldn't have been _more _important.

"Just be careful. Okay?" Nathan asked and watched her smile soften as she agreed. "I love you," he said and leaned down for a kiss that she gratefully accepted.

"I love you."

Turning, the smile dropped away and resolve covered her features.

----------

With the music filling her ears, Peyton blocked out all her thoughts… her pain, her sadness… her regrets. She focused on the sounds beating in time with her heart and the lines her pen strokes created on the paper.

Her mind's eye saw him perfectly. The exact shade of his eyes, the planes and shapes that made up his face. He held a baby girl in his arms as though protecting her from the world. A daughter with no mother to guide her through life's hardships because fate had, for whatever reason, deemed it that way.

Scrawling faster, Peyton was desperate to get the image on paper before it faded from her mind.

In her haste, she missed the quiet but insistent knock on the door. A sound that increased as the seconds passed until the frustrated guest finally turned the knob. "Hey," the voice said, startling Peyton from the peaceful world she'd locked herself in. "We need to talk."

----------

When Lily finally fell back to sleep again, Lucas gently set her back inside her crib and quietly closed the door behind him.

Shut away in his own room with Lily's monitor sitting on his bedside table, Lucas paced back and forth across the floor. He felt restless and wide awake. Sleep was the last thing on his mind and with it were the nightmares he wouldn't have that night.

Instead, he thought about the growing revelations he'd begun to uncover.

Baffled, he wondered how he could've missed it all. How he hadn't noticed that everything Peyton said or did just flew over his head and knocked loose a memory of Brooke. Things that he thought he'd buried after she nudged him in Peyton's direction instead of keeping him close as confetti rained down and all his dreams came true.

_What about Peyton's stuff?_

_I keep that stuff as a reminder of how badly I screwed up things… with you. To remind myself that I ever got a second chance…I'd never let you go again._

It hit him fast and hard, almost physically knocking the wind out of him. So much that he had to sit down as it all began to make sense. "It's always been a reminder, hasn't it?" Lucas muttered to himself while images flashed across his mind.

Baking with Peyton… watching Brooke cook him dinner. Sitting with Peyton while she drew… sitting with Brooke while she sketched designs.

_I like the red dress._

_You would… its Brooke's._

"Brooke…"

_When I'm losing my control, the city spins around._

"I couldn't sleep," she whispered and looked down at the floor as though she was embarrassed by the admission. "And um… you know what… I shouldn't have come here. Lily's not crying. You look fine. Obviously you're okay so I'm just… I'm gonna go," Brooke quickly decided and turned to reach for the doorknob leading onto the porch. The door she'd just come in through like apparition of clarity when Lucas needed it most.

"Wait."

Coming up behind her, Lucas caged Brooke in between the door and his arms. He felt her shivering against his body, shaking like a leaf in the wind.

"Don't go," he whispered in her ear. "Please."

"Luke…" she protested but didn't get very far. Not when he was determined and unwilling to let her walk out before he could say something to show her how much she mattered. How important she was to him.

Murmuring, he said, "I've never needed anyone as much as I need you right now. Please stay."

There was so much more he wished he could tell her. Apologies, promises… truths. There was so much to say and he had no idea how to get the words out. And in his search for the perfect way to express it all, Lucas somehow didn't realize that words weren't what mattered most to Brooke. They never were. It was always actions. The emotions he showed with the things that he did.

"Brooke…"

Turning slowly in his loose embrace, she stared up into his blue eyes and parted her lips to say…

_You're the only one who knows, you slow it down._


	6. Amazing

**Author's Note:**_ Hello everyone! Sorry for the very long delay. Lately I've been a little distracted and recent episodes of OTH did nothing to inspire me. That's another rant for another day though. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and review. I'm glad that you're all enjoying what I've written so far and I hope this next chapter continues that. Thank you again everyone and once more, I'm very sorry for taking so long to update. _

_**Amazing: Blue October**_

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Amazing**

_How am I supposed to breathe?_

_I try to relax. I touch your still frame_

_So I can watch you closer_

_And study the ways I believe I belong to you_

"I guess she knows I'm here," Brooke joked uneasily as the monitor sprang to life with the sound of Lily's cries. "You should probably…" she trailed off leadingly and gestured towards the partially closed bedroom door. The light from the hallway streamed in, casting a soft glow on the bed as Lucas reached for the monitor.

"Yeah. I'll go check on… on Lily, and…." When he turned back around, Brooke met his timid stare with one of her own. For a moment, everything was still and silent. It was then that Brooke could see the uncertainty in his beautiful pale blue eyes. The way he looked at her, she wondered if he thought she'd disappear the moment he blinked. Then he spoke, and Brooke realized that was _exactly_ how he felt. "Don't leave, okay? When I'm in the other room. Don't go," Lucas quietly pleaded. "Okay?"

She smiled softly, reassuring. "Nowhere else I'd rather be," Brooke murmured.

She thought she saw him expel a breath of relief, but it happened quickly, and soon enough he was walking out the door.

Alone, Brooke flipped the switch on his bedside lamp and glanced around the messy room. A pile of clothes still sat in one corner by the closet and papers were strewn across his desk as they had been earlier that morning. Lucas had yet to make his bed, though that wasn't anything new to Brooke. After spending countless days lying on that bed from morning until night, she was happy enough when Lucas got up, never mind when he took the time to straighten out his sheets.

"Am I doing the right thing?" she murmured, asking the silent night for advice.

Brooke couldn't help but wonder if things would be better for Lucas with Peyton around instead of her. The blonde, with all her supposed concern for him, could fall asleep by his side and comfort him in the early hours when he woke up in the middle of a nightmare. She could be there for Lily, the way she'd been there for Jenny. Though most of all, she could openly love Lucas and have him love her back.

"Stop it," Brooke told herself and shook her head to knock away those thoughts. She couldn't... or wouldn't... admit that the idea of Peyton supporting Lucas instead of her, hurt a lot more than it should have. Instead, Brooke silently decided that she'd just have to trust Lucas. She had to believe that if he needed something more or someone else... he'd find a way to tell her.

"I guess she was just lonely," Lucas whispered as he walked back into the room, gently cradling his baby sister against his chest. At the sound of his voice, Brooke looked up and couldn't help but laugh when the little girl opened her mouth wide and yawned sleepily. "A face full of formula… just what I needed," he said and rolled his eyes playfully.

"Is it weird that my apartment was too quiet to sleep in tonight?"

Self-consciously, Brooke lowered her gaze to the floor and waited with baited breath for Lucas' response.

"No," he murmured.

Nodding, Brooke continued to stare at the littered floorboards as she admitted, "When I got home, Peyton was sitting in the living room with a pizza, but the weird thing is that I half expected her to be there. Even after everything she said to me this afternoon, a part of me believed that she'd show up to the apartment. That we'd talk and then everything would be okay between us again."

"But it wasn't," Lucas quietly provided.

"No," she shook her head. "It's wasn't… and I guess it never really will be."

Restlessly, Brooke stood and began straightening the papers on the desk. Anything to keep her hands busy so that Lucas wouldn't see the way they shook.

"I fooled myself for such a long time." Her voice sounded far away, as if she decided to talk to the night and not to Lucas. "You know, we didn't actually start to become friends again until after she found out about you and Nikki. Probably only because she finally understood how I felt and because I got tired of feeling alone," Brooke guessed. Her voice was resigned and a little uncertain. "Maybe if we had all just stayed friends…" she trailed off and shut her eyes tightly as her mind began to imagine what senior year would have been like without Lucas as her boyfriend.

Though it saddened Brooke to realize she didn't have to stretch her imagination too far. She knew what it felt like because she lived it throughout the second semester of school.

"Or maybe it was always meant to be this way," she shrugged. "Maybe friends just grow apart… or maybe she and I weren't ever friends at all."

"Brooke…."

Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear Lucas step closer until she could feel his breath on her neck. She turned and found herself staring into the sleepy eyes of the beautiful little girl she'd easily begun to love. A smile turned up the corners of her lips when the little girl yawned once more before tilting her head to lay against Lucas' chest. "Pretty girl," she murmured and couldn't resist reaching out to gently stroke Lily's cheek.

"One of my biggest regrets is coming between the two of you," he murmured as his heart warmed to the sight of Brooke cooing at his sister. "I really am sorry."

She'd heard the words at least a hundred times before but she'd never wanted to believe it as much as she did just then. "It's not your fault," she said, finally. Tilting her head, she glanced up at him and offered a brief smile. "I'm the one who's sorry. Lily is way more important than my self-deprecating thoughts. You should be worried about her, not me."

His eyes fell to the small smile on her lips and for a moment, Lucas contemplated leaning down to kiss them. An impulse that came quickly and one he had to fight back.

"When I walked in earlier, you said that you needed me," Brooke quietly continued, unaware of Lucas' inner struggle. "Did you have another nightmare," she asked gently and frowned when Lucas remained mute. "Luke."

His heart was screaming for him to tell her how he felt. To pull her close and never let her go, like he had once promised. But his mind was the logical one that said the timing was wrong. "No," he said, while inside, his mind and heart continued to fight a war. "I just…" Lucas trailed off when his mind began to win. "I missed having you here."

It wasn't a declaration of love, but it was the best he could do. Neither of them were ready for anything else and the last thing he wanted was to scare Brooke away for good.

"I missed being here too," Brooke whispered and smiled down at the sleeping child.

--

Peyton only glanced up briefly before she continued to sketch. "Which one of them sent you?" she asked tiredly. "Brooke or Lucas?"

"Neither."

"Probably Brooke," the blonde continued flatly, as though Haley hadn't spoken at all. "At first I thought she was just going to Lucas but since you're here now, it explains why she hurried out of here so fast."

Frowning, Haley said, "Neither of them would ever ask me to come talk to you and you know it."

"Of course they wouldn't," Peyton said mockingly. "Lucas is too honorable and Brooke is just perfect."

"Don't you dare try to turn this around on them, like they're the enemy, Peyton. Not when I know what you did to Brooke before my wedding," Haley lashed back and watched as Peyton reluctantly met her gaze. "Almost ten years of friendship and you used it to hurt her."

"I told her how I felt," Peyton retorted, but her voice sounded tired. Like a version of the story she'd had to tell one too many times. "I was trying to be honest and I thought she deserved to know the truth," she added evenly. For a moment, however brief, Haley saw a glimpse of regret flash in the blonde's green eyes before it disappeared as though it never existed.

"Well I'm not so sure." Shaking her head, Haley walked around the coffee table to sit on the vacant arm chair.

A quick and vivid memory assaulted her almost instantly. One that dated back to her first days of living with Brooke. Back when she'd worried that her bubbly new BFF would break Lucas' heart.

_Ironic,_ Haley thought as she pushed the memory to the back of her mind, _he ended up breaking hers._

"Black and white, right or wrong… at least when the two of you snuck around junior year, it was easy for Brooke to know the difference. It was easy to feel anger and hurt," Haley said, speaking out to Peyton for the first time about what she and Lucas had done the year before. "But telling her how you felt and twisting around her own feelings… you turned her world into a hundred shades of gray. You made her ask whether it was right to feel hurt or wrong to feel betrayed? Made her wonder if you deserved him more than she did or if it even mattered at all that she always loved him for who and not what he was? Should she walk away or wait for him to do it?"

"I loved him too," Peyton cried out as her emotions bubbled to the surface. "I always loved him but I put it aside until I couldn't hold back any longer. Or should I have ignored _my_ feelings for _hers_?"

Sadly, Haley leaned forward and said, "He made his choice last year, Peyton. She didn't throw herself at him that time… she didn't push or ask or force him to love her… he just did. And he spent an entire summer with you, away from Brooke but she was still the one he wanted. Even after their non-exclusive dating and Rachel stripping in his car and her night with Chris… even after everything in the world trying to force them apart, they still found their way back to each other."

"And then he found his way to me at the championship game," Peyton quietly reminded as tears began to gather in the corners of her eyes.

"Then he walked away," Haley softly concluded.

Glancing away, Peyton focused on the drawing she had worked so vigorously on. Gently fingering the image, she stared at it for several seconds before handing it to Haley. "Before your wedding, I went to see Jake in Savannah," the blonde confessed. "I spent the entire day with Jenny, just walking around the city and imagining that it was my home too," she quietly admitted. "Then he took me to his little dive where he played his guitar and sang with a local band. The song he sang… it was so beautiful… so hopeful. It made me long for a future with him. A life we'd spend together raising Jenny while he played his guitar and I drew my pictures."

"Sounds like a dream come true," Haley murmured.

"Funny you should mention dreams," Peyton said and laughed almost bitterly. A quiet chuckle that the night air carried away. "Afterwards, I went to sleep while he stayed up working on something… a song maybe," she mused. "I don't remember what I was dreaming about or that I was even dreaming at all. But when I woke up, Jake told me that in my sleep, I had said I loved Lucas."

The image of their missing friend and his precious daughter stared up at Haley as she looked at the sketch. A likeness so flawless that it could have been a black and white photograph instead of a drawing.

"I didn't want to love him, Haley. I already had this amazing guy who was sweet and kind… and who loved me back." Accepting the drawing, Peyton set it back down on the table and covered it with a blank page. "It wasn't supposed to be Lucas in my heart but it happened and I just couldn't keep denying it, no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how easier it would have been to just stay with Jake."

Sighing, Haley admitted, "I understand that you don't always have control over who you fall in love with. And I don't think that you should've stayed with Jake if he wasn't the one in your heart. It wouldn't have been fair to either of you," she said and looked into Peyton's watery green eyes. "But when it comes to voicing those emotions… there's always a choice."

Staring back at her once close friend, Peyton had to ask, "Why _couldn't_ it be me? Why should my feelings have taken a back seat to Brooke's when he loved _me_ first? Just… just please explain it to me because I don't understand why I'm the bad guy for loving him. Why you're here now defending them, after I was the one who got her heart broken."

She was frustrated, but Haley didn't let it show. Instead of asking Peyton how she could be so selfish and still claim love, Haley calmly responded to the blonde's question. "You had your chance to be with Lucas and you walked away. And maybe you were scared, but that still doesn't change the fact that you weren't ready for him, until you saw him slipping away to Brooke." She still regretted not giving her brunette friend a fair chance back when she and Lucas first dated. Especially since the blonde she rooted for, had been the unforgiving one after the tour. A time in her life when Haley was remorseful, scared and basically friendless aside from Brooke and Lucas. "But most of all, you should have kept your feelings to yourself because they were a couple. He was _her_ boyfriend and she was your _best_ friend. That's why I can defend Brooke. Because you broke her heart long before he did."

"It's always about Brooke. Always has been," Peyton muttered. Her earlier bitterness took the place of the brief sadness Haley had glimpsed when Peyton spoke of Jake and Jenny. Now she was back to being unhappy and wanting someone who had never really been hers, despite any relationship they had ever had.

"Always about Brooke, huh? Would that be before or after your stalker or Tric or the countless other things that revolve solely around Peyton Sawyer?" Haley questioned. "Because as far as I've seen, Brooke is usually the one who is shoved into the background every time you have an issue or problem."

Mutinously, Peyton shook her head and stood up. "I think it's time for you to go."

Lowering her eyes, Haley glanced at the covered sketch one last time before standing. "You might not like it, Peyton but he needs her and if you honestly love Lucas, then you'll let him without pouring guilt on top of his sadness. _That_ is why I came here."

"And now you can leave."

Nodding, Haley walked outside without a backwards glance, wondering if she had just made things better or worse.

--

"I'll never forget the night I came in from this party Bevin talked me into going to," Brooke laughed. "I was pretty drunk," she admitted as Lucas stared up at her from where he laid on the bed. Legs tucked beneath her, she sat beside him with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and told one of her favorite _Karen stories_. "She was waiting up for me and I got grounded as soon as I walked through the door. First and last time it ever happened," she smiled.

"That's right," Lucas grinned up at her. "I remember the infamous list of chores and the girl who tried to mop an entire kitchen floor with a sponge."

Brooke shoved his shoulder playfully. "Hey, I wasn't exactly familiar with housework if you'll remember."

Hi smiled. "Trust me. I remember."

"Anyway," Brooke rolled her eyes. "I was pretty pissed at first but later I couldn't help but think it was pretty cool that she cared enough to do it. You know... that she was treating me like she would have treated you."

The humor in his eyes faded and instead, he stared at Brooke with a serious expression. "She really did love you, Brooke."

"I loved her too."

His hand found hers beneath the blanket and at the first touch of her skin, their fingers seemed to link automatically..._ instinctual,_ Lucas couldn't help but think.

"Sometimes it feels okay because I can pretend she's up there with Keith," he murmured. "You know... that he'll take care of her... show her around," Lucas said, shrugging lightly. "But I start to feel silly about it. Like it's just wishful thinking on my part because there isn't actually an afterlife. There's just death and the lives of the people who are left behind."

"Do you really believe that?" Brooke quietly asked.

"I don't know... maybe."

Her fingers tightened around his for just a moment before she released his hand. Lucas watched an inner-struggle play across her features before she finally laid down beside him. "Luke..." she began as he rolled onto his side to face her. Together, with only a few inches between them, he felt a brief sense of peace that had been noticeably absent since Peyton walked through his door and Brooke had walked out of it. "Luke," she began again and fumbled for his hand to hold between them. "As horrific as the dreams you have at night are... as difficult as it is for you to see... without those dreams, you might not have ever found out the truth about Dan. And he would have just gone on living a guilt free life, taking advantage of a situation he made."

There was darkness in his eyes the moment Lucas heard his father's name spoken.

"He _will _be held accountable now, Luke and it's because of _you," _she softly continued. "Because you stood up for what you knew, in your heart, to be true."

Perhaps there were things better left unsaid, but Brooke couldn't get past the feeling she had inside that this was the only way. That if Lucas didn't begin to face his demons now... he'd be battling them for the rest of his life.

"And where did it get my mom... having me follow my heart?"

Brooke saw the anger... the emotion that had kept him company through the long nights and days since the funeral. It blanketed him, keeping out the sadness and guilt she knew he couldn't handle. "The right thing isn't always the easiest, Luke. If it was... everyone would do it. Everyone would tell the truth and follow their hearts," Brooke gently said. "Look at Nathan and Haley. The secrets they kept because they believed they were protecting each other and their marriage. The way it all came back ten fold when Nathan found out about Chris or when Haley found out that Nathan shaved points," she reminded. "Secrets don't stay buried forever. One way or another, they always come out. But the trick is to let them at the best possible time... the moment it'll do the least damage or accomplish the most good. And that's what you did, Luke. You brought out the truth about Dan before he ever had a chance to lay a finger on Lily."

She could feel his hand tighten around hers and welcomed the feeling. He was reacting, instead of going back into the shell he often used to keep everyone out.

"You knew your mom better than anyone else in the world. You know that she would have gladly given her life it it meant protecting you and Lily."

He _did_ know, and it hurt more than anyone could have possibly imagined.

"_I_ was the one who was supposed to protect _them._ Not the other way around," Lucas protested as his eyes shut against tears that had begun to fight their way out.

Shaking her head, Brooke gently cupped his cheek and caught his tears with her fingers. "A mother... a good one... is always willing to give her life for her children's," she whispered. "And _your_ mom... she was the best I had ever known."

"And she's gone."

"She's everywhere."

His tears began to fall freely, cascading down his cheek onto the pillows. Brooke could feel his body shaking, fighting a losing battle against the tears and emotions that threatened to consume him.

"Come here," she said and cradled him close as he cried against her. Just as she had that night on the rivercourt when he first admitted he had HCM. Back when he had clung to her, desperate to hold on... afraid to let go.

He held her with the same desperation now. As if she'd literally disappear if he did.

"We'll get through this, Luke. I promise," she murmured, running her hands softly through his hair.

For Brooke, all her issues with Peyton and the hurt she felt from the dreaded triangle from hell... the inadequacy she'd always felt... it all floated away. It didn't matter anymore. Maybe it never had. All she knew was that the boy she held, needed her touch. He needed her faith, her strength... he needed _her._ And as long as he did, she silently vowed to be there for him.

"I promise."


	7. All I Can Do Is Love You

**Author's Note: **Wow, it's been forever since I updated this fic. I guess the show has been kind of killing my faith, episode by episode, but after watching last week, I sort of had a burst of inspiration in terms of Brucas. Oddly enough, I'm starting to feel like maybe Mark _does_ have something up his sleeve. Or maybe he doesn't but my optimism led me to write another chapter. I hope you all like it and don't hold it against me if it isn't too great or because it's a little short. It's been a while since I've written much of anything. Thanks for all the reviews and the patience!! You guys are amazing!!!

_**All I Can Do Is Love You – Collin Raye**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

**Chapter 7 – All I Can Do Is Love You**

_All of my dreams are yours_

_Those distant shores of love at last have found me_

_Best way I can explain is there's hope again_

_And you're the light surrounding me  
_

When Brooke woke up the next morning, it was in Lucas' arms that she laid.

At some point during the night, he'd pulled the comforter over both their bodies. He'd also pulled Brooke close against his chest so that his arm draped across her stomach and his lips nuzzled her neck. It was familiar…comforting, and that scared Brooke more than she could admit.

How many times had they slept that way? How many nights did she sneak into his room after Karen had fallen asleep, just so that she could feel his arms around her while she dreamt? And how many mornings did she wake him with a kiss. A teasing nip over his lips that had him stirring in his sleep. How many little aroused groans did she cause when she slipped her hand inside his clothes to feel the heat of his skin?

A hundred? A thousand?

Realistically, Brooke knew that neither number was accurate but it had felt that way.

And it saddened her to know that it wasn't who they were anymore. So she slowly slipped out of bed and watched as Lucas rolled over onto the spot she had just vacated. She wondered if he was searching for her and couldn't help the small jolt it gave her heart to think he was.

Before she could think about it, or the fact that she'd admitted to Haley that she was still in love with him, Brooke tip-toed out of the room to check on Lily.

It seemed the sweet girl had also decided to sleep in.

The sight of her lashes resting against her cheek and the even puffs of air she took, was a comfort that Brooke didn't quite understand.

Junior year, Peyton had been the one taking care of a baby girl. She was the one who bonded well Jenny, who knew all the right things to do when the little girl cried. Brooke had only looked on, enjoying her when she was happy but returning her when she fussed.

Now, it felt like she could hardly get enough of Lily. Her cries ended the lonely silences at night and her toothless smile was a constant source of laughter whenever she deemed Brooke worthy of one. Within hours, she was wrapped around those tiny fingers. So much so, that she couldn't imagine how hard it was going be whenever Lucas got better and didn't need her anymore. Or worse, when he packed up for college and left the sleepy little town of Tree Hill.

--

Lucas was alone and smelled Brooke's shampoo on his pillow when he awoke. He was confused at first, until the night's events all came rushing back. The talk they had, the tears they cried, and most of all… the way she'd held him close, vowing to protect him from all the pain in his life.

It took him back to basketball season when she'd held him on the Rivercourt and promised they'd make it through his HCM. That it wouldn't be the end of the game he loved or of their relationship because of the secrete he'd kept. He believed her that night and though she hadn't been with him when he began to play ball again, he never forgot her words.

In a way, he wasn't just playing for himself… he was playing for her.

The championship game had been a dream come true… or so she said. And though he'd walked to Peyton, Brooke had been the one standing next to him when the confetti fell and his heart beat a staccato drum in his chest. She was the first smile he saw and the hug that warmed him… made him feel as though the dream really _had_ come true. Because she had been the one to believe it would, even when every sign pointed in the opposite direction.

Now she was making the same promise and if there was one person who could make it come true, Lucas knew that it was Brooke Davis.

"8:00 AM and you're already brooding," she teased from the doorway.

"I'm not brooding," he denied, though there was a small smile playing on his lips.

"So then what _are_ you doing?" Brooke asked in a much quieter voice.

Lucas gave her a soft look and said, "Thinking about basketball. How much it brought to my life."

"It isn't over, you know? There's a court full of guys down by the river that'd love to play a pick up game with you," she reminded, before her solemn look turned playful again. "Even though you're not really as good as your brother."

Lucas retorted, "I hope we're still talking about basketball."

"You are so _not_ funny," Brooke scolded. "Besides, a lady never kisses and tells," she added, haughtily.

"Hmm…"

"Anyway," she continued, changing the subject. "Maybe we could take a trip down to your old stomping ground. Show Lily her brother's world," Brooke quietly suggested, fearing that he'd turn her down.

"I don't know," he hesitated, thinking about the guys he hadn't spoken to since the day of Karen's funeral. "I haven't even thanked them for pitching in down at the café. How could I just show up and ask to play?" Lucas wondered.

"You won't have to ask… you won't have to say anything," she assured and stepped further into the room. Gently setting down her mug, she leaned against the desk and looked straight at Lucas. "Signs of gratitude and remorse are always nice to get but at the end of the day, a real friend doesn't need the words. It's not about what you say, it's about what you do."

_I love you, Brooke… I don't know how else to say it._

_How about how you show it?_

"And you've been there for every one of them. If, god forbid, this was happening to one of them… you'd be there, and you wouldn't expect a pat on the back for it," Brooke said as Lucas pulled his mind out of the past. "They don't expect it either."

"How do you know the right things to say?"

He saw instantly that the question caught her off guard. That she'd probably expected another refusal, instead of the sentence he posed. "What do you mean?" Brooke asked.

Pushing back the comforter, Lucas swung his legs off the bed and stood a few short inches away. He watched the way her eyes followed his movements before connecting with his own gaz. "Words are supposed to be everything to me… but when I've needed them the most… they've always failed me. I mean, it's why I lost you, isn't it?"

"Luke…"

"I know," he softly murmured. "It's not something that you wanna talk about. And I understand it. I really do. It's just that I don't want to lose you again and I'm finding it really difficult to get that across to you."

Her eyes shone with tears that he knew she'd never let fall. Instead she glanced down, trying to avoid his stare.

"You just did."

--

Peyton's mood went from bad to worse when she woke up and realized that Brooke had never come home. She'd obviously spent the night with Lucas, which Peyton could only assume was a regular occurrence.

In some distant place in her mind, she had half believed that Brooke would listen to her request to take a step back. That she'd walk away, like she had after Nathan and Haley's wedding. "I guess some things _do_ change," she muttered, acknowledging that for the first time, Brooke _wasn't_ going to put friendship before a guy.

Not that Peyton blamed her. At least not really, considering what she'd done to their friendship for the chance to be with Lucas after the school shooting.

And for a while, it had all been worth it. She had Lucas, they were in love… or so he led her to believe, and she was on her way to getting back her relationship with Brooke.

It couldn't have been better.

Yet somehow it still fell apart. And when the dust had settled, Peyton was alone.

"Again," she told the silent room.

--

Later that day, Brooke left Lucas alone with Lily so she could spend some time sketching. Victoria Secret needed at least five new designs before the end of the week and Brooke had been putting it off for days… almost forgetting about it completely before Lucas saw the letter sitting on top of a stack of mail she'd brought by earlier in the week.

After spending so much time away from the apartment, there'd been a stack of mail waiting in her box and she'd remembered to grab it in between all the running around she'd been doing lately.

"It's important to you," Lucas had said. "We'll be waiting for you when you're ready to come back. Maybe we can watch a movie together later, or something," he'd suggested.

It wasn't the Rivercourt, but at least he hadn't retreated back inside himself. _One day at a time_, she tried to remember. _Walk before you run._

"I don't think I've ever see you looking so thoughtful." His shadow fell over her as she glanced up from her sketch book. She hadn't even heard him coming.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you down here when you're standing on top of your soap box," she retorted, succinctly.

"I didn't mean it as an insult," Chase said evenly. Not waiting for an invitation, he took the seat beside her on the bench and glanced out at the park before them where a handful of children chased each other around the swing set. "Just that you look like you got a lot on your mind."

"Sure I do," Brooke admitted. "Didn't you know that even cheer sluts like me have the occasional problem? You know… what to wear that easiest to take off," she said, flippantly. "Important stuff like that."

"I never called you a slut."

"Didn't you? I guess I just confused you with another guy who dumped me for having a few too many notches on my bedpost."

"You slept with your best friend's boyfriend!" he practically cried out.

"**Ex-**boyfriend," she quickly corrected. "They were broken up at the time, not that it mattered to you. But I guess my mistake was thinking that if Peyton, Haley and Lucas could all be understanding about what Nathan and I did, that you might understand it too. Or maybe you would've, if your ego hadn't gotten in the way."

Laughing humorlessly, Chase declared, "Ego had nothing to do with it, Brooke. It's one thing to know you had a sexual past. It was another thing to actually see it on the big screen with a hundred or so of our classmates cheering you and Nathan on."

Shaking her head, Brooke realized that as much as she had wanted to believe in him, Chase Adams had never believed in _her._

"Where are you going?" he asked as she stuffed her book into a bag and rose from her seat.

_What you did with Chris… it's okay…. It's not. It can't be, it's too much to forgive…. Well that's too bad… because I forgive you._

Silently, she turned to face him and gently placed her hand on his cheek. "You're a coward… and you always be."

Walking away, only one thought entered her mind.

_He wasn't the guy for me._

--

"What are you doing here, Peyton?" Lucas asked when he opened the door and found the blonde waiting on the other side.

Timidly, she glanced behind him for some sign of her former best friend. When she found none, she said, "I wanted to see how you were doing. We are still friends aren't we?" Peyton asked. "If nothing else, I don't want to lose your friendship too."

Words spoken and meant to cause guilt. For a second, Lucas felt a quick flash of it before managing to squash the though of reassuring her. "We have a lot of history, Peyton and it's like I told you last night… I'm always going to care about you. But I can't do this right now and I can't be the person you need me to be."

Fighting back tears, Peyton asked, "Can't I at least come in for a few minutes? See Lily?"

"It's not a good idea," Lucas quietly said.

"Why? Because of Brooke? Are you afraid that she might get upset that we're hanging out… like she always used to back when you guys were dating?" the blonde questioned, reminding Lucas of another mistake he made. Another way in which he'd hurt the girl who'd been holding his hand through his roughest nights and days.

"I always put you first, Peyton. Even when it came at Brooke's expense," he gently explained. "But I can't do that anymore. I've already hurt her too much and I won't do it again. I won't make her feel like she doesn't matter… not now, not… I need her," Lucas admitted in a voice that caused the first tears to fall from Peyton's eyes. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I came between the two of you. If I could take away the pain, I would. But I can't. All I can do is make it better from this point on and I'm sorry, but I choose Brooke."

Her tears fell on the porch as she stared down at the old floorboards.

There was one thing she needed to know. One question. One answer that would break her heart again, no matter how he answered it. "Back at Nathan's house… if I hadn't walked out the door when you said you wanted everything with me… would it still be over?"

He heard Lily's cry over the monitor and knew he had to go. But if nothing else, he felt that he at least owed Peyton an honest answer.

"Yes."

Her sob fought its way past her lips and for a moment its sound competed with his sister's cries. "Why?"

Lucas could only say, "Because people that are meant to be together always find their way in the end."


	8. Too Busy Being In Love

**Author's Note:**_ Hi everyone… thanks for all your great reviews!! I was glad to see that there are still readers around who like my story, considering how long it took me to come back with an update. Hopefully you enjoy this chapter since I wasn't too sure about it. Thanks again!!  
_

**Too Busy Being In Love - Doug Stone  
**

**Chapter 8 – Too Busy Being In Love  
**

_ I could have written a play so sweet and so funny  
Given old Mr. Shakespeare a run for his money  
Written the words to the prettiest tune  
That would never leave a dry eye in the room  
My only excuse for not doing enough  
Well I was too busy being in love  
Yes I was too busy being loved  
_

"I'm in trouble," Brooke announced two days later as she sat in Haley's kitchen.

"Pregnant trouble, love trouble or law trouble?" Haley queried without missing a beat. "Because if you stole something again, I'll bail you out, but don't expect me to sit beside you in the cell."

"Okay, we've been over this, Hales. That wasn't my fault," Brooke quickly declared. "If Suburban Filth hadn't stolen my designs, I never would have had to steal them back. But anyway, we're getting off the subject because no… it's not law trouble," she informed and paused only to sip on the iced tea Haley placed in front of her. "It's the other one."

"Pregnant?"

"Well I'm no expert but I always thought you had to have sex in order to get pregnant," Brooke retorted dryly.

"So then its Lucas," Haley guessed as Brooke admired the beauty her friend seemed to radiate. Being a mother obviously agreed with her and if she was staying up nights with Jamie, it didn't show on her face.

"Sort of," Brooke shrugged. "I'm just… I think I'm starting to get to close too him and Lily," she quietly admitted.

Frowning, Haley asked, "Well putting aside your messy break-ups, I thought the two of you were becoming good friends again."

"We are."

"So then explain to me why you think it's a bad thing to get too close to them," Haley requested as she sat down on the opposite stool and kicked off her shoes.

"Because he's gonna break my heart," she sadly informed. "Once was bad enough. Two almost killed me, but a third time… I don't know if my heart could survive another visit from Hurricane Luke. I think I'd just shut down after that. Keep everyone at arm's length or something," Brooke quietly admitted. "Even Lily."

"What makes you think you're going to get your heart broken?" Haley voiced, all the while wondering just how far things had gone between her two friends.

"It's inevitable, right?" Brooke shrugged. "It's what happens every time I let my guard down around him."

Patiently, Haley reached towards her friend's hand. Leaning forward, she gently spoke, "Brooke… I know that you said you were still in love with him, but you also said that you didn't plan on telling him," Haley carefully reminded. "Has that changed? Did something happen between the two of you? Something romantically, I mean."

Sighing, Brooke shook her head. "I wouldn't do that to him, Hales. His mind is all over the place right now and Lily needs to be his first priority," she said. "He doesn't need another ex-girlfriend stomping around while he's trying to pick up the pieces of his life."

"So then I guess Peyton hasn't given up yet, huh?"

Shrugging once more, Brooke said, "Actually, she left this morning. Not sure for how long though."

A frown turned down the corners of Haley's lips before she asked, "What do you mean, she's gone? Just like that?"

"She left a note," Brooke said, tiredly. "I found it this morning when I came back to exchange one load of laundry for another," she explained, appearing just as weary as she sounded. "It said… '_You win… see you around.' _And since all her stuff was gone, I figured that she wasn't just writing me a note to let me know she'd just gone out for coffee and bagels."

"Brooke, I'm sorry," Haley sympathized. "I know that deep down you genuinely hoped that somehow you and Peyton could find some way past all of this."

"Maybe at first," she conceded. "But another part of me was just so tired of trying," Brooke admitted. "Instead of doing all the fighting… sometimes, I just wish that someone would fight for _me_. That I'd matter enough to warrant the effort, not just some half hearted attempt because having me around is familiar."

As she spoke, Haley wasn't sure if Brooke referred to Peyton… or to Lucas.

"Tell me what's going on with you and Lucas? Why do you think he'll break your heart?"

Glancing down at the counter, Brooke toyed with the patterns woven into the granite. As tears coated her eyes, it all began to blur together, so that it was all one giant mess of colors. "I once told Peyton that he used me for sex and her to fulfill some sort of intellectual desire," Brooke remembered. "She had his respect because of all the things she knew and all the similarities they had. And me… I had his lust… because I was great in bed and pretty much fulfilled every wet dream he'd ever had."

Despite herself, Haley couldn't help but smile at the last words. She knew that hormones had been a big part of why Lucas initially chose Brooke junior year, but even as unsupportive as Haley had been back then, she could still admit that Brooke had shown him a lot more than just her favorite positions.

"I thought it'd be better the second time… different," Brooke softly continued. "We were closer then… with actual friendship and not just the benefits. And I thought that when our days were bad… we'd go to each other."

"He _did_ go to you, Brooke."

"He left my bed the morning after we got back together, so that he could go with Peyton to see Ellie," Brooke reminded, remembering how absolutely horrible she'd been to work with that day. How angry and hurt she'd been.

"Look, I'm not saying that Lucas didn't make a lot of mistakes, because we both know that he did," Haley gently replied. "But who he talked to at his locker between classes or who he sat with at lunch more times… none that really matters. The fact that he chose your arms to hold him together after Keith, and now with Karen… _that's_ what matters. That _you_ are the person he counts on. The one he believes in. That one he hopes and prays will believe in _him._ And what happened before… it won't happen again."

"And how can you be so sure?"

"Because I've read his book," Haley quietly stated. "Brilliant, beautiful and brave. I believe those were three of the words he used to describe you. And personally… I couldn't agree more."

--

Lucas was slowly beginning to differentiate Lily's cries. To learn how she sounded when she was wet or hungry. He didn't even really mind the diaper changes anymore, either.

But with all his progress, he still clung to Brooke's presence. To the daily visits that had begun to get shorter and shorter.

Her eyes were different now… confused, maybe even a little cautious. He felt like she was searching for something when he looked at her and wondered if she'd ever find it. Wondered if it had anything to do with Peyton leaving almost two weeks before, or anything the blonde may have said to her before she left.

"Hey, Luke… did you forget we were playing ball today?"

Nathan's unexpected voice quickly pulled Lucas out of his thoughts. He glanced over at his younger brother for just a second before his hands began to move again, folding the towels he'd just pulled out of the dryer. "Yeah, I guess I must have," he admitted.

"What's going on… you okay?"

"Fine," Lucas replied. "I'll just go change," he said and quickly disappeared into his bedroom.

It wasn't his first time back at the Rivercourt, but it still seemed weird to leave Lily behind while he went to go play ball. To joke around with his friends the way he used to before Karen died.

The only reassuring part of the whole outing was knowing that Lily would be with Brooke.

"Ready?"

"Yeah… but um… look, first I thought we could talk about something," Nathan began, uncomfortably. "Haley told me that you decided to defer college for a year so that you could get everything on track with Lily and the café, but… well I just want you to know that you're welcome to stay with us. You know, if you change your mind and decide it's time to get out Tree Hill a little early."

"Thanks, little brother, but right now it's where I need to be."

Lucas had healed a lot in a short time and he knew that he owed the majority of his recovery to Brooke. That if it hadn't been for her, he didn't know where he'd be. Didn't know where his sister would be. And he was grateful that she'd kept her promise to keep the bad from Nathan and Haley. To give him the chance to be a better person, so that no one would see what he had become.

"What about Brooke?" Nathan decided to ask, as though he'd read his brother's mind and plucked her name from his thoughts. "Haley said that she's staying around for a while too. Is that because of you?"

Lucas wondered the same thing.

"I honestly don't know," he admitted.

"I know that she's been around a lot lately. Helping out with Lily and stuff," Nathan continued. "Which is great, you know she's… she's Brooke. It's what she does. But… well just… look, the last time she was at the house with Haley, she seemed kind of sad. So maybe now that things are starting to run a little smoother here, you might want to talk to her about it. Find out where her head is right now," he advised and tossed Lucas the ball he held, trying to show that there were no hard feelings.

As he caught it, Lucas said, "Yeah… I know."

--

_How about how you show it? I am not pushing you away, Lucas. I am holding on for dear life but I need you to need me back. Okay, why wouldn't you tell me about the kiss, and why did you call while you were away and why won't you ever just let me all the way in?!_

As he laid down that night, the scene continued to play over and again in his mind. He closed his eyes and saw the tears in hers. He saw her heart break and felt shame that he hadn't realized it back when it counted most.

_I'm not mad, Lucas. I'm not mad._

No… she had been heartbroken.

Not once, but twice he had taken what she so generously gave and instead gave back nothing in return. Nothing to hold onto, nothing to believe in. He gave her no reason to stay… yet she stayed anyway.

And suddenly he needed to know.

Pushing back the comforter, he swung his legs off the bed and headed for the door before he had a chance to change his mind.

Asleep on the pull-out couch, she seemed peaceful. Her hair fanned out over the pillow and he couldn't help but watch her chest rise and fall with each breath. She was beautiful and he had no idea how he'd ever walked away from her.

Tentatively, he stepped towards the couch and carefully sat down on the edge of the mattress. With gentle fingers, he pushed an errant strand away from her face. He couldn't resist brushing those same fingers across her cheek. Feather light touches that stirred her, now that she was so used to waking up with Lily.

"Luke?" she asked sleepily, rubbing the fog from her eyes. "What's the matter? Did you have another nightmare?"

"No," he quietly answered. "I just wanted to see you," Lucas said as she sat up, causing the blanket to pool around her waist. "I needed to ask you something."

"And you had to wake me up at three in the morning to do it?" she said and tried to stifle a yawn with her hand.

"It was important." Lucas replied while reaching for the other hand that rested motionless on the blanket.

Glancing down at their intertwined fingers, Brooke had an unreadable expression on her face. "Okay," she slowly murmured. "Then let's talk."

Lucas wanted to ease into it but he thought that if he took his time, he might lose his nerve. Instead he just blurted out what was on his mind. "Did you decide to stay in Tree Hill because of me?"

"Conceited much," Brooke said but there was no heat in her voice.

"I'm serious, Brooke."

Conceding, she asked, "What does it matter what my reasons are, Luke?"

"It matters because you've already made so many sacrifices for me. Because you spent your summer vacation cleaning up after me, making sure I ate and got through the night in one piece. Because you took care of my sister when it was _my_ job to be her protector," Lucas said and lifted his free hand to her cheek. Cupping her gently, he felt her slight lean into his touch and the move was enough to give him the courage he needed. "It matters because I'm still in love with you."

It had been a long time coming, Lucas knew. His heart had never really let Brooke Davis out of its sight, no matter how hard either of them tried to pretend that their love just hadn't existed.

_I'm sorry. I know we're friends...that's just how I feel._

Her eyes were filled with tears but she refused to say anything as past memories flitted across her mind.

"I love you, Brooke Davis. And I know now that I always will."

_I love you, Lucas... and I probably always will._

He watched Brooke tightly shut her eyes as the fingers he held pulled away. "You can't do this to me, Luke," Brooke finally whispered. "You weren't supposed to say that you love me. You weren't _supposed_ to love me. Not anymore," she shook her head. "It's too late."

"Is it?" he boldly asked and ignored that rapid beating of his heart. "Or do you just wish it was?"

"Trust me, if I was making wishes we'd all have very different lives right now," Brooke declared and glanced down, staring at her empty hands.

"Brooke..."

"I heard you wrote a book," she interrupted, all the while refusing to meet his gaze. "I guess being with Peyton finally gave you the inspiration you needed to start writing again," Brooke stated and stubbornly continued to look down when Lucas attempted to tip her chin upwards.

"Look at me," he gently commanded.

Reluctantly, Brooke finally met his gaze and in hers, he saw a firm resolve. "It had nothing to do with inspiration, Brooke. It's not about what she did for me but about what she _didn't_ do for me." He could see the confusion on her face, though she refused to voice it. So he kept talking, hoping that sooner or later, he'd make a chip in the thick wall around her heart. "When I was with Peyton, I thought a lot about love... so I wrote about love."

Brooke clammed up, while he persistently held her gaze.

"But with you, I didn't because..." he paused. "Because I was too busy _being_ in love."

"Luke..." she trailed off, not really knowing what to say, or even really what to think. So instead she sat silently again, waiting for more words that would explain why he'd begun this confession in the first place. Why he couldn't just leave the past where it belonged... in the past.

"I've loved you for so long, that even though it's only been a couple of years, I can't remember a time when I wasn't in love with you. And I know I didn't do a great job of showing you," Lucas quietly admitted. "I made so many mistakes in our relationship. I know that I broke your heart long before you broke mine. And that every time I walked away, I broke it again and again."

By now, Brooke could no longer hold back the steady stream of tears that were determined to fall.

"Don't cry, pretty girl."

"I'm not," she stubbornly whispered.

Lucas gently wiped at her tears and watched her eyes flutter closed at his tentative touch. His own eyes softened as he whispered, "Of course you're not."


	9. Don't Break My Heart Slow

**Author's Note:**_ Hello everyone, hope you had some happy holidays!  
I've done a lot of thinking about this story and I've decided that I'll try to wrap it up within a total of 15 or so chapters. The unfortunate truth is that despite how much I love writing this, I'm having a lot of trouble with it and at the rate I'm going, 30 chapters may take up 3 years to finish. So I'd rather commit to make it short and sweet, rather than drawing it out. I hope you enjoy it anyway and thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. You all have been so amazing throughout this story and you give me the faith to keep going despite how horrible Mark has been to us lately. Love you all!_

_Also, I know this chapter is short but I'll try to make the next one much longer.  
_

**_Baby, Don't You Break My Heart Slow - Vonda Shepard_  
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**Chapter 9 – Don't Break My Heart Slow**

_I like the way you'd hold me__  
Every night for so long baby__  
And I like the way you'd say my name  
In the middle of the night while you were sleeping  
I was believing in you  
Was I mistaken  
Do you mean what you say  
When you say our love could last forever_

_--  
_

_I keep that stuff as a reminder of how badly I screwed up things... with you. To remind myself that if I ever got a second chance... I'd never let you go again._

_"_Just after Peyton and I started dating, she found your box of letters," Lucas quietly began, mindful of the precarious line he straddled between completely losing or winning back Brooke's trust. "It was completely sealed up in my second drawer," he rushed to continue when he felt her stiffen. "And before she could open it, I took it right out of her hands. No explanation, no apologies... I just took it away."

"I'm sure she loved that," Brooke quietly replied with barely audible sarcasm.

"She asked me why I kept it and I felt like I'd been transported back a year," Lucas continued without acknowledging Brooke's dry comment. "I told her that they were a gift that I wasn't willing to give back."

Brooke met his gaze but she had no words for him. She had no idea what he was trying to accomplish with his story or even where it would end up.

"We had this big fight about it and finally I just told her I'd get rid of them."

"Sounds logical," Brooke murmured as sadness briefly overwhelmed her.

_Brooke, I love those letters. The girl in them is so open and honest._

"But I couldn't." He tipped her chin up, looking straight into her hazel depths. Lucas willed her to see everything he'd locked up since the night she broke up with him. "I'd already lost you and the chance of us being friends again seemed... unlikely," he admitted. "I wasn't willing to lose the one last piece of you that you allowed me to keep. I physically couldn't get rid of them. I couldn't let go."

"Lucas..." she tried before her voice broke.

"I sat and watched her draw because as long as I looked down, I was able to fool myself for at least a few minutes that you were the one sitting there with your design book," he whispered while tears filled his eyes and hers. "I tried to be everything she wanted me to be, because I felt guilty that she'd never be everything to me. And after Ian attacked the both of you, I wanted to be the one next to you so that I could catch you if you ever, for a second, let yourself fall apart."

Tears rolled quietly down her cheeks as she said, "But you weren't... and I didn't."

"I know," he whispered.

She looked down at her fingers, unable to look into his blue eyes as she said, "Before I met you, Lucas Scott... I never knew it was possible to love and hate someone at the same time."

"Well I'd rather that you hated me, than felt nothing for me at all," he murmured.

"I don't trust you," Brooke admitted. "At least not with my heart."

"It's hard to trust someone who breaks it every time he gets close enough to it," Lucas acknowledged. "Please just..." he trailed off with a hint of desperation in his voice. "Do you... _could_ you..."

"I don't know," she lied.

_There are 82 letters in here... and they're all addressed to you. I wrote them all this summer. One a day but I never sent them because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting my heart broken again like before... because you hurt me so bad, and... I was afraid to be vulnerable and I was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. And i know that doesn't matter know after what I did, but i just thought that you should know. This is how I spent my summer Luke... wanting you. I was just too scared to admit it._

"If I let you, you're gonna break my heart again... aren't you?"

The broken expression she wore and the words she spoke were like a thousand hot knives to his heart.

"You wouldn't want to," she quietly continued, leaving him no time to deny it. "But it would happen anyway, because there's always something else... some_one_ else... that's just more important. And I can happily be second to Lily... but not to some other girl that needs a knight to swoop in and save her every time things go wrong."

"It's over with Peyton."

"I thought it was over junior year," Brooke replied. "I was wrong."

He opened and closed his mouth, searching for some pretty words to make it all better. But he realized that some fancy explanation wasn't what she was looking for. Brooke wanted honesty. The ugly honest truth.

And because she deserved it... he gave it to her.

"I can't say that I wasn't curious," Lucas quietly began. "After we broke up that first time and everything went south, I wondered if it was because you and I were never meant to be together. If the reason I screwed up was because I should've been with Peyton."

He could see how much the words hurt, but she also didn't stop him. Instead she silently listened, waiting for him to make his point.

"But then Nikki happened and then Anna... and somewhere between you slamming the door in my face and us becoming friends again... I stopped wondering," Lucas continued. "Suddenly, out of nowhere, it was just gone. I stopped thinking about her... stopped feeling for her... stopped wanting her. And I didn't question it, because I knew the reason. I knew it was because you and I let the best versions of ourselves finally see each other," he whispered and brushed a stray tear from her cheek. "Because I fell crazy stupid, ass over backwards in love with you."

She laughed in spite of herself and the smile turning up the corners of her lips warmed him.

"Such sweet words, Lucas Scott. No wonder you're a writer."

He grinned and took the opportunity to intertwine his fingers with hers. Then he watched her smile slip just the slightest bit but she still allowed him his hold. "When I lost Keith, I went through the five, heart wrenching stages of grief."

Brooke's eyes softened at the mention of the beloved uncle who had always made her smile. The man who raised Lucas as his own, and loved him more than Dan Scott ever could've.

"The truth is, Brooke... that when you and I broke up after the wedding, it kind of felt like that all over again. It was like my heart was literally breaking inside my chest, only this time I only had myself to try and put back the pieces. I only had myself to blame."

"Lucas..."

"Acceptance. That's the final stage, and that's what I did. I accepted that no matter what I said or what I did, we would be apart until you wanted it to be different," he explained. "Every person in my life, including you, including Peyton... you all believed that she was the one I should be with. And I let myself believe it too because I was selfish and I just wanted something to numb the pain. I wanted some way to forget you, and I figured that the only way to do that was to make you so angry that you'd forget me too."

"You used her," she said flatly. "And you used my insecurities against me."

"I screwed up."

"I really hated you," Brooke admitted as tears forced their way into her voice. "I loved you so much that I hated you for not loving me back."

He shook his head. "That's where you're wrong. I've always loved you."

"True love isn't about hurting each other."

_True love... it's not this fairy tale life that never knows pain, but it's two souls facing it together, and diminishing it with unconditional love._

"True love _is_ pain. It's happiness, it's sadness... it's fear and joy and everything in between," Lucas declared and leaned his forehead down against hers. He felt her hesitation and when he felt her retreating, he dug his heels in even deeper. "Love isn't perfect or blameless... it isn't a fairy tale that can never be lived up to. It's holding each other up when the world tries to knock you down. It's this feeling in the pit of your stomach and a flutter in your heart. It's taking a chance that you might get hurt because the alternative is not feeling at all... because pretending to be indifferent towards someone you love will kill you faster than a broken heart."

"Then why wasn't it enough?" she quietly cried.

"It was always enough," he vowed. "We just got in each other's way of seeing that."

"Doesn't that say something to you?"

He smiled gently and said, "Yes. It means that we were seventeen, in love for the first time and... and that we were gonna make mistakes to learn from."

"Yeah, well how can you be so sure that we won't just keep making the same mistakes? That we aren't doomed to keep going around in circles."

For the first time that night, he began to see a light on at the end of the tunnel. Lucas knew that his words were finally starting to break through the shell around Brooke's heart. And the best part about it, was that she was letting him see it happen.

"We don't. That's why it's called a leap of faith."

She looked away from his penetrating stare, hiding her eyes from his. "Well maybe I don't have enough faith to take that chance."

_What if I don't have any left?_

Lucas quietly replied, "Then I'll give you all of mine."

---

_What I wanted? I wanted you to fight for me! I wanted you to say there is no one else that you could ever be with and that you would rather be alone than without me. I wanted the Lucas Scott from the beach that night, telling the world that he's the one for me._

---

"Is she okay?" Brooke asked as soon as she saw Lucas walk back into the room cradling his baby sister.

"Just a little fussy," he admitted and quietly sat back on the couch bed. Holding Lily close, he tried to make soothing sounds while Brooke took the liberty of sharing her blanket. "I think she just likes being awake when you are."

The brunette smiled and ran her finger gently down Lily's cheek. "She's so beautiful," Brooke murmured.

"Just like our mom," Lucas agreed.

Brooke sensed the change in him, a sadness that accompanied his thoughts of Karen.

"Lucas..."

"Will you be her godmother?" he blurted out before Brooke could say anything else.

"What?"

He thought not only of the late nights she stayed up with his sister, but of everything she'd done since the day of Karen's funeral. The way she stepped in and took care of the both of them. How she loved Lily.

"I'm sorry, I know that Haley already asked you to be Jamie's godmother," Lucas apologized though he seemed anything but sorry. "I know it's a big responsibility, and a lot to ask, but... I can't imagine asking anyone else."

She smiled once more and gently plucked the little girl from Lucas' arms. "I would've been pissed if you had asked someone else," she said and nuzzled the little girl with her nose. "I'm honored, Lucas. I'd love to be her godmother."

Her eyes sparkled with happiness and Lucas couldn't resist leaning forward to catch her lips with his.

Hearts beating in a rapid tandem, they sat with their lips pressed together for seconds that felt more like minutes. Then, just as Lucas began to pull back, Brooke leaned forward and returned the kiss.


End file.
